


She Wanted the Truth

by Johnstonmara353



Category: The Good Wife (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-26
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-17 22:40:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 30,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29724318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Johnstonmara353/pseuds/Johnstonmara353
Summary: After Nick leaves, Kalinda can’t stay in her apartment. She can’t stop trembling. Her thoughts were tumbling into an endless black hole. Where does she go? Who can make her feel safe when every few minutes she’s looking over shoulder, jumping at every noise? And how will Alicia's kindness bring back memories Kalinda would rather forget.
Relationships: Alicia Florrick/Kalinda Sharma
Comments: 13
Kudos: 8





	1. Chapter 1

She wanted the truth

Kalinda/Alicia

Summary: After Nick leaves, Kalinda can’t stay in her apartment. She can’t stop trembling. Her thoughts were tumbling into an endless black hole. Where does she go? Who can make her feel safe when every few minutes she’s looking over shoulder, jumping at every noise?

Kalinda sat on her bed, half dressed, already sore. Her heart pounding in her chest and echoing in her ears. She chewed on her bottom lip as she squeezed the cold metal in her hands. Her knuckles and fingers turning white from her effort; it was the only way to stop her hands from trembling. Tightening her fingers around the gun with every beat of her heart. It was her only comfort. The thought that she could pull the trigger on the next person that walked through her bedroom door kept her mind from getting lost inside herself. The only thing that kept her from curling up in a ball at the bottom of her closet and waiting for someone to come looking for her. ‘But who would even bother looking in the first place?’ Her eyes trail over the crime scene that was once her body. The investigator’s vision blurring from the previous blow to the back of her head. When she closed her eyes, she could briefly remember when it happened, but she couldn’t remember everything. The bruises on her wrists are so fresh, she could still see the bright red angry marks of his fingerprints. Even as she remembered crying out in pain from his grip, she couldn’t remember him grabbing her that hard. She couldn’t remember his touch ever being that hard. Kalinda could feel the throbbing on the right side of her face. As her fingers touched her temple, she pulled them away, wincing. She could taste the blood as she licked her dry, chapped lips. The investigator could remember the powerful punch she took to the right side of her face. She could feel the irritation deep inside her; that constant throbbing ache that began at her rib cage. The sharp burning pain that spread like a wildfire along the base of her spine. The pain was worse than any cramps she had experienced. She could feel the blood causing her thighs to stick to the sheets with every move she made. She couldn’t remember the entire time he was on top of her. It was as if her mind had completely shut down through the worst of it. Saving her from truly knowing how long she had gone missing and what had happened to her. 

Kalinda took a deep breath before focusing on her hands, still shaking as they held the almost weightless gun in her hands. Blood coated underneath her fingernails; she couldn’t remember fighting back. She couldn’t remember scratching and clawing to get away, but she must have. It was in her nature to fight. The muscles in her arms ached; she could see deep purple hand prints decorating her once flawless skin. The muscles in her throat were tense from his hands wrapping around and squeezing. Releasing only when she was moments from losing consciousness. She could remember gasping for air over and over again as the pressure on her throat and chest was released. Kalinda could remember feeling his weight on her chest; his breath on her face. Even when she slammed her eyes shut, she could still feel his eyes on her. She could smell the alcohol as he hovered over her, but she couldn’t remember trying to fight him off. She couldn’t remember scratching at his hands and arms. She couldn’t really remember gasping for breath when he had finally let go, laughing at her cries. The investigator whimpered as she concentrated on trying to remember the sequence of acts that had taken place. There was a difference between knowing and remembering. Kalinda knew what had happened to her, but she couldn’t remember. As she tried to swing her legs over the side of the bed, a sharp, intense pain shot through her abdomen and into her hips. She almost cried out, but remembered what she was being silent for. Her pelvis burned from the silent violence she had endured. Kalinda placed the gun in her naked lap, her hands began trembling violently. The teeth mark on her hip stung as her fingers moved over the raw, bleeding skin. She could barely remember his teeth sinking into the soft flesh of her hip. She tried to remember. She needed to remember what happened. But the only feeling she could remember with certainty was the feeling of nothing. As if the darkness had finally taken her and she no longer had to feel the pain of living any longer. As she concentrated on the darkness, Kalinda began to feel it move through her like a black poisonous cloud. As the feeling spread; as the emptiness inside her spread, Kalinda wanted to scream. She felt absolutely nothing. 

She hadn’t moved since she heard the front door slam. There was no guarantee that Nick would actually leave. There wasn’t a trick he hadn’t used before and waiting her out was one of them; one of his favorites. Even with the cold, heavy metal grasped between her hands, she was terrified he was waiting for her. Or waiting to see who she would go to. Who she would call to come and rescue her. Who she would turn to that wouldn’t tell a soul. The gun was still in her lap. Her fingers running over the cold metal. A familiar friend. But even her friend couldn’t force her to pull the trigger. She’d had a steady hand when she pointed the gun at his chest. Her mind was screaming for her finger to move. All she needed to do was squeeze the trigger and her nightmare would be over. But as her mind screamed, her body froze. Her brain was like a giant filing box and as her mind screamed, papers started flying out of the box. Her body not sure which reaction to take. Her mind not processing as it had a few hours before. The neatly put away filing box in her mind was now a pile of useless paper outside an empty shell. Even as he smiled and turned his back to her, leaving the room, whistling. Kalinda couldn’t move. She could barely breath. She feared if she made a sound the silence would suddenly end and she would be right back in her nightmare. 

As the minutes ticked by, Kalinda listened, frozen in the bloody sheets. Searching for noises that were unfamiliar. She was used to the normal noises her neighbors made on either side of her. She was used to the wind blowing and tapping the loose screen against the window. The faucet in the bathroom continued to drip, sounding louder than it should across the bedroom. Kalinda jumped when the dishwasher kicked on in the kitchen; he had washed his glass and knife before he left. The investigator didn’t need to verify if it were true, she knew him. It would further terrify her when she forgot about it in a few days and opened it. And despite remembering in that moment, she would forget. As her mind and body began to process the events that had unfolded, she would focus on the most important things. The most violent things he had done to her. She wouldn’t stay in her apartment for a few days. She would find somewhere else to take shelter. She knew by the time she would need to run that dishwasher again, she will have forgotten. 

Hearing nothing throughout the second hour, she slowly slipped out of bed. The bloody sheets sticking to her thighs. She hands gripped the sides of the mattress as she carefully planted her feet on the cold wooden floor for the first time in almost five hours. Her eyes searched the floor before her they fell on one of Lana’s FBI academy t-shirts. It was one of the things that Kalinda had kept hidden during the day, stuffing the over-sized t-shirt under her mattress. Lana had left it behind one of those rare nights Kalinda had invited her to her apartment. She kept it hidden so Lana couldn’t take it back. She wasn’t ashamed of it, but she didn’t want to lose something she didn’t really have and didn’t even know she wanted. He found the t-shirt. He had gone looking through her things and found it. She didn’t need to get up and look to know he had taken Alicia’s things with him; further torturing her, knowing she couldn’t get them back. She could vaguely remember seeing the pictures of her and Alicia scattered across her living room floor. The painting Grace had made for her and won first place in the art far was shredded, still loosely hanging above her couch. Kalinda squeezed her eyes closed and clenched her fists as she forced herself to remember what else of Alicia’s he had taken from her. The bottle of perfume the attorney had left at her apartment when she was hiding from Peter had been smashed on the floor. As she forced herself to remember, she hated herself more for not pulling the trigger when she’d had the chance. Kalinda had never worn the perfume, but Alicia still did. The investigator started spraying it on her pillows at night when she missed Alicia the most. It was her scent that could calm her tears and lull her to sleep. Carefully, the investigator opened her nightstand drawer, a whimper escaping her lips as she saw what she feared the most, her dream journal was gone. He would know everything there was to know about Kalinda’s deepest, darkest desires and secrets that she had fought so ahrd to keep buried. Nick would learn everything about Alicia. He would know how their relationship progressed from friendship to something Kalinda would never be able to explain. He would know how much Alicia broke her. He would know how much the investigator still loved her. Nick would know the intimate details of her dreams. The more and more the thoughts rolled though her mind, the less she felt the pain radiating through her spine and the more she allowed the darkness that had been lurking deep within her heart to slowly consume her. Feeling nothing was better than feeling the psychological vulnerability that would inevitably surface later. 

Slowly, Kalinda pushed herself from the bed, only whimpering as she leaned against the wall to keep her balance. She covered her face with her shaking hands as her warm back touched the cold wall, taking a few shaky breaths as she allowed the blood to begin circulating through her legs again. With every slow inhale Kalinda took, her ribs and chest felt as if a knife was being twisted under her right breast. Every muscle in her body screamed as she moved to redress herself. Putting on the same clothes he had forced off. The leather of her skirt barely wanting to make the usually easy trip up her thighs, sticking to the blood like a bug on a glue trap. Her hands were shaking as she re-zipped her boots, forcing her mind to think about anything but the blood that dripped down her legs. Tried to think about anything other than the constant need to shower; to wash everything away. She pulled her hair down to cover the bruises on her neck. She didn’t need to see them to know they were already there. She could feel the swelling and irritation on the inside, she could only imagine what the skin of her neck and chest looked like. 

As Kalinda was gathering her overnight bag, tossing Lana’s shirt in the side pocket, and purse she heard a gentle meow come from the fire escape. She hadn’t been thinking about the damn cat until the scratching on the window startled her. She had been smarter than Kalinda had been, she had gotten out before he could catch her. The investigator opened the window, allowing the fluffy black animal back into the warm apartment. As the window shut behind the animal, Kalinda watched her jump to the floor and quickly into her overnight bag. She had never taken the cat with her when she needed to hide out for a few days; she could typically take care of herself, that’s why Kalinda had a cat in the first place. She didn’t need her, didn’t even really want her attention unless she was really in a good mood. But tonight was different. Even as she watched the only other living thing in her apartment curl in the corner of the bag, she could see the fear the cat felt. Her ears were planted flat on her head. Her tail low to the ground. The hair on the back of her neck standing straight out. Kalinda had never seen the cat act that way. But people usually never invaded their space. Tonight was violent and that violence had invaded their safe place. They needed to find a new one. 

Kalinda sighed as she slowly zipped the bag, stopping half way to allow the furry animal room to breath. She would jump out as soon as they got in the car anyway. She took a few moments to pet the cats black fur as she settled in the top corner of the bag. Kalinda could feel the blood on her fur. She remembered seeing the fresh scratch marks across his face when he pinned her against the wall. The furry, aggressive cat had put up a fight before she got home and he threw her onto the fire escape. But she had put up a fight none the less. Kalinda’s eyes connected with her little black fur ball that didn’t have a real name. She had always had a connection with cats; their independence mostly. She loved that they didn’t need anything special to keep their attention. If they wanted to be cuddled, they would let you know. If they hated you, they would let you know. Cats didn’t care about your past. They didn’t even really care about your present as long as you come home. It was black and white with cats; there was no gray area. “Thank you,” she whispered, feeling the cat lick her fingers in acceptance. 

*

Kalinda didn’t know where she was going until she pulled in front of Alicia’s building. For a few moments she’d had to focus on the street signs and landmarks in order to find out where she was. It had been so long since she had been to Alicia’s apartment that she had no idea how she even remembered how to get there. And the fact that she sought out Alicia without realizing she had done so was even more frightening to her. She hadn’t purposefully decided to seek refuge with her ex-best friend. But she had nowhere else to go. In the back of her mind she would always know that. No one else at the firm knew Nick was her husband, except Alicia. She knew if she chose another member of the firm to turn to, they would force her to go to the police; to go to the hospital. Lana would force her through a rape exam even if she didn’t want to have one. She would force her to fill out a police report and tell her story over and over again, even though Kalinda had no intention of doing so. Will and Cary would force her to tell them who the man was. She would have to give up Nick’s identity and that would in turn prove that she wasn’t Kalinda Sharma. Whether she liked it or not, she wouldn’t have any other choice with someone else. Alicia wouldn’t force her. Would maybe suggest it, but would never force her to do anything. Alicia would be discreet about the things that she shared with the lawyer. 

She was more apprehensive to knock on Alicia’s door than she had when Alicia discovered her one night with Peter. The one night was easy to explain if she would have allowed her the three minutes it would have taken out of their day. She was never given that opportunity. But over time Alicia had learned to accept what had happened. They had even talked about it in a round about way. Alicia knew what had happened that one night. She had seen it in Kalinda’s eyes all the times they had been alone after her secret was uncovered. But that night had been a simple mistake. Something she would have to live with, but easy to explain nevertheless. What wasn’t gonna be easy to explain was the blood dripping down her legs. It wasn’t gonna be easy to explain the bruises and scratches on her face and neck. She was shaking. Her hands wouldn’t stop trembling as she tucked them under her arms. The back of her neck was covered in sweat. She could feel the sweat on her forehead, could taste the salt as she licked her lips. She could feel the throbbing in the back of her head from hitting the wall with more force than had been necessary to control her. Kalinda knew some of the blood vessels in her eyes had ruptured due to Nick strangling her over and over again. She could feel the blood running down her thighs as she stood in front of Alicia’s door. The pain in her stomach getting worse. The bite mark on her hip burning every time the fabric of her skirt rubbed against it. The fog in her head refusing to dissipate even as she rested her forehead against the white door frame. 

Kalinda knocked on the door tentatively. Her knuckles barely touching the door, too afraid of waking the children if they were already asleep. She also didn’t want to rouse Alicia’s neighbors. The last thing she needed was some old lady sticking her nose where it didn’t belong, asking questions she had no business asking. Kalinda also couldn’t remember if Alicia had planned to have Will over that night. It was a Friday and it had been a long week for everyone at the firm. Before the investigator could change her mind and limp back to the elevator, she heard the dead bolt opening and the chain sliding free. For a moment she tensed, leaning her left shoulder against the door frame to cover up the trembling in her arms and legs. Her heart raced out of her chest in the three seconds between the lock being disengaged and the door finally swinging open. It was Alicia’s face that finally calmed her racing heart, that finally stopped the trembling in her hands. No matter how surprised the attorney happened to be by her unexpected arrival, the lawyer’s mere presence always seemed to calm her. It was mostly due to the fact that no matter what happened between them personally, Alicia would always defend her. Rescuing her from jail when Cary tried to play keep away with her. Keeping her marriage and identity secret even when she had every right to scream the truth from the roof tops. Alicia had always remained silent. Was always there to catch her. She would always take care of her as long as Kalinda told her the truth. As long as she didn’t lie to her about the things that really mattered, Alicia would never leave her to flounder alone. That was their agreement when they started getting their Friday night drinks again, they would always tell each other the truth no matter how much it hurt the other. 

“Kalinda?” It had been almost a year since the investigator had been to her home. A year since their friendship had officially ended. A new one blooming in its place. It wasn’t that Kalinda hadn’t been invited to the apartment. Even after their falling out, Alicia had always extended an invitation to the investigator if she knew the young woman would be home alone for longer than a night. She had always enjoyed the woman’s company. Always enjoyed her odd sense of humor. But Kalinda had never taken the offer. A few nights Alicia had waited up hoping the woman would show up at her door or phone her for no reason other than she had nothing else to do. Those visits and calls never came. And in a million years Alicia wouldn’t believe Kalinda would show up at her door after she treated her so poorly not six hours before. Yelling at her. Refusing to speak to her until the situation with Nick was handled. Alicia might as well have just said it was her fault Nick was phoning her home. It was her fault for bringing him into their lives. As Alicia looked the petite woman up and down, she immediately noticed the split lip and her overnight bag hanging off one shoulder. As her eyes connected with Kalinda’s, Alicia saw the red spots in the whites of her eyes. Her heart immediately went to the floor. Her knuckles began to turn white around the door knob. 

Kalinda’s arms were crossed over her chest. She tried to suppress the urge to grab her stomach. The muscles cramping every time she shifted her weight from one foot to the other. She kept her face turned to block Alicia’s view of the bruise she knew was beginning to appear. She tried to maintain eye contact with Alicia. She tried to put on her normal office face, but it failed as the older woman’s brows furrowed. She could see the lie before it even left her lips. As Kalinda allowed the breath she had been holding out, she also allowed her face to open. She allowed Alicia to silently see that something wasn’t right. Kalinda watched the attorney’s face until she could see the realization flash across Alicia’s face. That was the only time the investigator finally looked away. “Would you mind talking for a few minutes?” For a brief moment, Kalinda feared Grace and Zach would be home. As she closed her closed for a moment, Kalinda tried to remember if Peter had the children for the long weekend or not. She didn’t want to frighten the children with her strange behavior. She didn’t want the kids that she had watched grow up see her beaten and tattered body. Grace would immediately be too upset for Kalinda to maintain her composure. But as Kalinda listened to the noises inside the apartment, she heard none. Grace’s music wasn’t playing. Zach wasn’t yelling for her to turn it down. All the investigator could hear was Alicia’s deep breaths. 

On a normal night, Alicia would probably have declined, but there was something odd about the way the investigator was acting. It wasn’t only the split lip that gave away something was wrong. Something didn’t sit right in her gut as she glanced at the clock and gently gave Kalinda a nod. Her hair wasn’t tied back in the tight bun that it was usually in, her hair was running down her back, covering the right side of her face. It wasn’t completely covered, but it was shadowed enough that Alicia couldn’t see exactly what she was hiding. Her body was stiff, even as she rocked from side to side waiting for the attorney’s answer. Alicia noticed the wince as Kalinda put her weight on her right leg and quickly switched her weight back to her left side. She refused to make complete eye contact after the question was asked. All the alarms were going off in Alicia’s brain. The attorney had been drinking herself into oblivion and pacing the living room floor waiting for any sign from the young investigator. The last time she had spoken with the woman was in the office several hours earlier. Alicia had yelled at her and sent her away like a step-daughter she no longer had any use for. And even though she felt her heat ripping in half as she watched Kalinda flee from her office, Alicia still did nothing to stop her. She didn’t immediately call her back to the safety of Lockhart/Gardner. She didn’t apologize and tell her she didn’t mean the things she had said. Alicia had waited in her office throughout the rest of the morning and into the night for the investigator to come back, but she never did. 

Alicia stepped back, allowing Kalinda to enter the hallway of her still too small apartment. Her body moving slowly as she passed, allowing the attorney to catch the scent of iron and men’s cheap cologne. Alicia watched her flinch as the door closed a little too loudly, but she refused to acknowledge it out loud. The woman and mother in Alicia could see Kalinda was afraid of something. The older woman taking the liberty and dead bolting the apartment while she took a few calming breaths. Alicia didn’t know if she was more afraid of what was outside that the small woman was trying to hide from or what the woman was hiding under her clothes. Kalinda’s stance, as she turned to look at her leaning against the book shelf, was more standoffish than was normal even for Kalinda. With Alicia the investigator had never had any physical boundaries. She had no issue taking hold of Alicia’s hand or brushing up against her when the situation called for it. The investigator had a bad habit of whispering in her ear during morning meetings, not telling her anything of importance that couldn’t wait, and allowing her lips to brush her neck before she pulled away. Even after the secret was revealed, it took a little time, but eventually the attorney allowed the woman to invade her personal space again. It had never felt awkward. Being close to Kalinda had always felt natural and comforting. Alicia was almost stunned by the way Kalinda made herself look as small as possible next to her bookcase. Almost as if she wanted to disappear; afraid to be seen. “The kids are still at sleepovers until tomorrow. Apparently since the divorce, I’ve become the cool mom.” She made the statement more to reassure the tense woman that they were alone, thinking maybe her children’s presence were making her tense all of a sudden. She waited for a moment, watching the slight smile appear on her face before slowly leading them to the living room. 

Kalinda took a tentative step, following a few steps behind the older woman. Trying her best not to limp or yelp in pain as the leather band at the top of her skirt repeatedly rubbed against the bite on her hip. The muscles in her left arm were quickly getting tired of holding her overnight bag, plus the weight of her furry friend. She grimaced with every other step as her thighs stuck together, further irritating the cuts and bruises Nick had caused. Kalinda hadn’t known what she had expected when Alicia opened the door, but it wasn’t the Alicia she received. She was friendly. Her face showed concern and fear, even though she tried to hide it. Other than the usual curious glance and knowing looking the attorney seemed unusually happy about her sudden appearance. As if she had been getting lonely without the kids around, meaning she broke things off with Will. Kalinda could tell Alicia’s guard was down, she was vulnerable. She was completely relaxed in her presence. But as Alicia turned to lean against the recliner, her entire body tensed. It was possible Alicia had caught a few glimpses of her body as she was entering the apartment, but the light was dimmer in the hallway. In the living room, every lamp and overhead light had been turned on. Kalinda knew the older woman was finally seeing that something was terribly wrong. “Alicia...” she started, trying to sound stronger than she felt, but couldn’t bring herself to actually look at Alicia. She couldn’t bare to see the grief on her face. She watched the attorney’s hands instead. The way she twirled her rings when she was nervous. The way she picked and pulled at the dead skin around her nails when she was stressed, she was doing both. The lawyer stood a little too close. Only a few feet separated them as Kalinda lost her voice on Alicia’s name. The over caring woman taking careful and deliberate steps toward her. The closer she got, the more that was revealed. She could see far too much, the bruises and cuts, the awkward glances, the blown blood vessels in her eyes. The investigator wanted to take a step back, afraid to be touched, but too afraid to hurt Alicia by moving away. And a small part of Kalinda, deep inside the many filing cabinets that was inside her head, she wanted to feel the older woman’s soft and kind touch. But the last thing Kalinda wanted was for Alicia to reach for her. She didn’t want to hurt the woman by her reflex to pull away. The investigator search her fogged brain quickly. Trying to find the right thing to say in order to transition their conversation, but she found none. Nothing would prepare Alicia for the nightmare her night was about to become. “I know we’re not friends,” Kalinda began, but had to swallow before attempting to continue. She made the mistake of glancing at the old woman’s face to analyze her reactions, but all she saw was patience and understanding, the exact opposite of what she had been prepared for. She could deal with angry Alicia, Kalinda had years of practice with those situations. She could deal with the pity me version the old woman liked to turn on in order to get her way. What she wasn’t prepared to deal with was her kindness. The same kindess she had showed her for two years when they were just starting to know each other. It had taken a long time for the investigator to get used to the tenderness, the pet names, and the constant loving teasing. And after so many years without it, Kalinda’s bran and body didn’t know how to react, so it didn’t. “I need you to get a few paper shopping bags and your camera. Not your cell phone.” Kalinda hadn’t chosen to come to Alicia because she wanted her body processed for evidence. She didn’t come to Alicia because she wanted a safe place to bag the things they would need to process later if it became an issue. Kalinda had come to Alicia to have someone bare witness to her pain. Someone that would hold her pain and frustration as if it were there own. Alicia was that person. Alicia had always been that person. 

Alicia took a small step towards Kalinda, but stopped as the investigator took a step back. Her eyes avoiding her concerned glances. Her arms coming around herself, protecting herself. Alicia could see her hands shaking. She could see Kalinda’s jaw beginning to back and forth, grinding her teeth. Over the years, the older woman had learned that the investigator only resulted to grinding her teeth when she had experienced violence. She could remember her grinding her teeth constantly for three days after her incident in the hotel room with Blake. Two days before she had to testify in Peter’s court hearing, the attorney had to keep continuously feeding the younger woman gum to prevent the woman from getting a migraine from the tension and grinding in her jaw. Alicia watched the smaller woman for a moment, noticing small things that most wouldn’t think matter, but those small things were the only clues Kalinda would give to her level of anxiety and fear. The investigator was chewing on her bottom lip. It was a nervous tick Alicia had picked up on early in their friendship. And even though Alicia saw all these things, it still started her that the investigator would pull away from her. It terrified her that something had happened that was so violent that Kalinda was now frightened of even her soft touch. Alicia’s entire body turned cold. The younger woman had never shown fear in front of her. She especially had never shown fear because of her. “Kalinda...” She paused for a moment before she heard the unmistakable sound of a cat meowing. Alicia glanced down as the animal climbed gracefully out of the bag before sitting quietly at Kalinda’s feet. The animal was staring at her before glancing at Kalinda. At first glance, Alicia would have thought nothing of the furry animal, but as the cat walked around the investigator’s legs, she could see the spots on the animals fur. “Kalinda, that cat is covered in blood.” Even with its inky black fur, Alicia could still see the undeniable shine of wet blood on the animals head and back.

Kalinda hadn’t been thinking about the cat, hadn’t remembered the damn thing even existed until she heard the soft meow. She had forgotten about the blood that had stained her car seats. The blood that stained her hands, already dry from her long moments standing outside the apartment building. Even as she saw the bright blood still sticky on the cats fur, she had no emotional reaction. “It’s my blood,” she said, looking down at the animal that she wished had stayed in the bag a little bit longer. She hadn’t wanted to explain the animal to Alicia until she was able to explain why she was in her apartment, in the middle of the night in the first place. She had seen and felt the blood on the cats fur while they were in the car. It had slipped her mind as she was riding in the elevator to Alicia’s apartment. She could see the dried blood on her hands as she pushed the button to the older woman’s floor. Kalinda wasn’t even sure if it was her blood on the cat. It could be Nick’s blood or the animal could be hurt and she had been unaware of it. The investigator did know the blood soaking through her leather skirt was hers. The blood dripping down her legs and into her boot was most definitely hers. Most of the blood she had on her skin belonged to her. She wouldn’t be surprised if they tested her clothes and found Nick’s DNA all over them. She had fought him. She had kicked and screamed when he tried to force her into the bedroom. She had scratched at his hands as they twisted in her hair. She had scratched his face as he tried to force his mouth on hers. He had licked her neck, giving Kalinda the chance to pull him away from her pull his hair, earning her another sucker punch to the right side of her face. They would easily find his blood and semen on her skirt and torn panty hose. Her panties would be permanently stained with his semen and her blood. But Alicia couldn’t see any of those things. Slowly, Kalinda pulled up one sleeve, cursing under her breath as the leather brushed over her battle wounds. The bruises and cuts were more visible under Alicia’s overhead lights. The hand prints were clear. The scratches down her arm still sticky with blood. Kalinda could still feel Nick’s hands pressing her wrists into the mattress, squeezing the tiny bones until she whimpered. She tried to meet Alicia’s eyes. At one point in their friendship, they could communicate by looks alone. A simple glance in the courtroom meant so much more between the two women then anyone cares to realize. Kalinda could remember silently comforting Alicia during the death row case with gentle glances and loving touches. She could remember Alicia comforting her when Blake had gotten a little too rough with her one night. The next morning, Alicia gave her loving glances while they worked silently in her office. Offering gentle and sweet touches when it was appropriate. They could have entire conversations across the conference room table without ever saying a word; they did, often. “I can’t go to the hospital.” 

At that moment, Alicia’s eyes met Kalinda’s. She saw it all. Saw the violence. Saw the fear. The older woman saw everything unfold in front of her eyes just from the investigator’s eyes. That connection was still there. Despite everything that had happened, they still shared that one personal connection between them. For the first time, since Kalinda stepped into her apartment, Alicia really looked at her. The woman that was normally so put together, the woman that was normally so tight and tied up, was not the woman that was standing in front of her. The woman standing in front of her was a shell of the woman that she had spent so much time with over the last few years. The woman standing in front of her looked like what Alicia frequently imagined Kalinda would look like ten years ago, when she was Leela. She could see the bruises on her neck that the woman was doing a poor job at hiding. She could see the almost red finger prints that had squeezed her neck so hard the man’s prints had been left behind. A bruise was beginning to form on the right side of her once flawless face. Scratches covered the young woman’s chest, they didn’t look deep, but the way Kalinda continued to rub and scratch at the skin it wouldn’t be long before they started seeping again. Even with her hair partially blocking her face, she could see everything the investigator wanted her to see. Alicia’s eyes dropped to the ripped nylons between the top of Kalinda’s boots and the bottom of her skirt. If it weren’t for the patches of bare skin, Alicia would have missed the blood that was slowly soaking into the thin nylons, slowly dripping into the high boots. She hadn’t noticed the torn clothes when the investigator was standing in her dimly lit doorway. She didn’t see the bruises on her face or neck. What Alicia had seen that turned her stomach the moment she opened the door was the blown blood vessels in the whites of her eyes. The way Kalinda held a hand protectively over her abdomen no longer went unnoticed. It was as if she were trying to block a blow that was doomed to come. Alicia felt her stomach churn as the reality of what had happened flashed in her mind. Then the moments that had taken place earlier that day. Nick had called her home last night. He knew where she lived. Of course that wasn’t Kalinda’s fault; everyone knew where she lived. Alicia was still technically a Florrick. She could still see the scene unfolding every time she closed her eyes. Alicia had screamed at Kalinda to take care of it. Had blamed her from bringing him into their lives. She had sent her there. After Kalinda had told her that Nick was dangerous, she sent her there. Alicia quickly pushed the shock to the back of her mind. Feeling that sudden mental push from Kalinda, a silent plea for help, she gestured behind her. “Go to the bathroom. I’ll be with you in a minute.”

Kalinda pulled her gun from the back of her skirt, placing it on Alicia’s end table. She watched the older, more conservative woman’s face as she took the clip out, placing it next to the unloaded gun. She was surprised that the attorney hadn’t flinched when she saw the familiar piece of metal being removed from her back. All the other times Alicia had seen the gun she had shied away from it, made a nasty comment about it. But in that moment her face was unreadable. Kalinda could easily see the concern in her green eyes, but other than that little glimpse, the investigator had no idea what Alicia was thinking. On any other night, the investigator would be able to see exactly what the attorney was thinking, exactly what she was feeling. Alicia was one of those woman that could never hide how they felt about anything because it was written all over her face. Tonight, in that moment, Kalinda saw a new expression in Alicia’s eyes. An expression she couldn’t place in her normal Alicia’s moods categories, again the investigator chose to ignore it. She grabbed the change of clothes from her bag and followed Alicia through her bedroom and into the bathroom. Watching Alicia clench and unclench her fist, something she only did when she felt as if her anger was about to explode. But Kalinda remained silent as she watched Alicia linger in the door for a moment before disappearing back into the darkened house. The cat followed them, of course, quietly lurking a few feet away from the investigator at all times. Kalinda watched as the cat settled in the corner of the room, almost hidden by a shadow. She would need to wash the sticky blood from her fur at some point or the cat would figure out a way to clean herself. The young woman waited for Alicia as she sat her spare clothes on the closed toilet lid. Listening to her running around her kitchen and bedroom before coming back to the bathroom. It was as if her friend was running on pure autopilot. Her muscles and limbs reacting before her brain could contemplate what she needed to do next. It was something she had seen over the years. When Alicia was trying not to panic her brain went completely blank and her body started reacting on instinct. Her body knew what needed to be done without any help from what was supposed to be the most important organ in the body. With a shaking hand, Kalinda finally initiated contact with the only person she could ever allow free access to her personal space. Her shaking, bloody fingers wrapped around Alicia’s wrist, pulling her focus from the digital camera. “You can slow down. I’m not in any hurry to get this started.” She wasn’t ready for Alicia to see her body. She wasn’t ready to have every inch of her skin analyzed and photographed. Kalinda watched as Alicia lifted her head, looking over her right shoulder in order to see her face. “Just take the pictures,” she whispered, interlacing her fingers with Alicia’s for only a moment. 

Alicia squeezed Kalinda’s hand, not wanting to let go. In her heart, she wanted to pull the smaller woman in her arms and never let her out of her sight again. In her head, she wanted to get all the physical evidence she could in order to use it against Nick later. She would have leverage to keep him away from her. She would use it if she had to. The attorney went with what her head wanted, she knew in the back of her mind there would be time for holding Kalinda after the day had been washed off her skin. As she felt Kalinda’s fingers slipping from her hand and the chill in the room as her body moved away, Alicia put her lawyer face on. Everything would be business for the next few hours. After squeezing the smaller woman’s hand a little tighter, she gently smiled, and slowly pulled away. Alicia sat a white towel down on the floor, motioning for Kalinda to stand on it. It was the only thing she could find that would be easy to stand on along with being easy to bag for evidence later. The paper bags were placed on the floor, already opened so Kalinda could focus on bagging everything correctly. The older woman didn’t care about the evidence, not really. She cared about what happened to Kalinda. She wanted the details. Her life was about focusing on the details. “Can you tell me what happened?” Alicia didn’t even understanding why she asked. She knew Kalinda would only tell her parts of the truth. She would only tell her the things that would hurt her the least, if she told her anything at all. Perhaps she wanted to know because she blamed herself. She wanted what happened to the woman she kept so close to her heart to haunt her for the rest of her life. She deserved that, but it didn’t matter what came out of her mouth, it was obvious to a trained eye that Kalinda had been assaulted. 

Kalinda shook her head, placing her leather jacket into the evidence bag. Cursing under her breath and squeezing her eyes shut as the leather was dragged over her overly sensitive skin. Her forearms exposed under the overly bright lights. The bruises and cuts were beginning to turn black. The cuts still dripping blood in various places. Nick’s hand and fingerprints were becoming more and more visable as her muscles began to relax more, only tensing with the little unexpected noise that occurred in the apartment. Hearing the heating unit kick on caused the investigator to slightly jump. Hearing the dryer ding caused her fingers to tense and relax against her sides. Kalinda glanced at Alicia’s questioning face, she fought any natural instinct she had to just shrug the questions off. She had expected Alicia to ask questions. She had expected her to show concern and care. She had even prepared herself for the personal physical contact that Alicia would initiate eventually. Kalinda didn’t expect how she would react to the attention. She hadn’t expected to be able to relax in Alicia’s presence knowing she was taking her clothes off. She hadn’t expected her heart beat to slow down in her chest with every small smile Alicia offered. But even being completely relaxed, Kalinda couldn’t bring herself to tell the details of what happened to her. It wouldn’t make it any easier for Alicia to take the pictures she needed to take if she knew why she was taking them. Seeing the marks were one thing. Hearing how they got there was something she didn’t think Alicia was ready for. “Knowing isn’t gonna make this any easier for either of us.” The truth was, the investigator didn’t want Alicia to know the details of what happened a few hours ago. It had nothing to do with not wanting to relive what happened. It wasn’t that she couldn’t talk about the things Nick had inflicted on her. She was afraid it would break her. She had already broken Alicia once, the last thing she wanted to do was see that broken look on her face again. 

Alicia took several photos of the damage done to Kalinda’s once flawless skin. Letting the steady clicking of the camera distract her from what she was photographing. She could feel every mark as if it were her own. She could feel the burning in her wrists, the sting from the deeper cuts along the outside of her arms. She could feel the bruises on Kalinda’s shoulders. Could feel the pressure that must have been used to hold her down. Alicia could feel it and the pain almost caused her to lose what little dinner she had been able to keep down before Kalinda had arrived. Alicia had been drowning her anxiety in a bottle of wine while pacing in front of the fireplace. Imagining every disastrous event that could have happened to the young investigator. And the more Alicia drank, the more Kalinda ignored her calls, the more her anxiety and panic grew. Alicia took a small step forward, focusing the camera lens on the finger prints surrounding the young woman’s forearm. Even if the photo wasn’t perfect, it would be enough for the forensic techs to make a positive ID if needed. “Not knowing doesn’t make me feel your pain and fear any less,” she said. Alicia didn’t need to hear in words what happened only hours before. The cuts and bruises were the story. The evidence on the young woman’s body told her everything she didn’t want to know. But she wanted Kalinda to talk. If she was talking, she wasn’t thinking. Alicia didn’t want the constant stream of negative thoughts to start battering the investigators overly sensitive brain before she was ready for them. She knew they coming. Kalinda wouldn’t be the first rape victim she counseled down from the ledge. 

Kalinda moved her hair to the side and allowed Alicia to snap those pictures as well. Her neck was becoming stiff. The pain in her shoulder was beginning to run up the back of her neck. She hadn’t realized at the time that Nick had grabbed her so hard. As she moved her hair to the other side of her shoulder, she felt more than heard Alicia’s soft whispers. The quiet ‘just take you time’, the soft and gentle way she barely breathed ‘it’s gonna be okay’. She wanted to focus on Alicia’s soft, compassionate words. It had been so long since the investigator had heard the attorney speak to her in that special tone. A tone reserved only for her. But she couldn’t focus in the small enclosed bathroom. She couldn’t focus on Alicia’s words. Couldn’t focus on her smell or her gentle touches. Kalinda had to focus on what surrounded her. The click of the camera seemed much louder in the enclosed bathroom. She had always prided herself on how well she could hear anything. When she was a kid, her parents would call her the human bat because she could hear any conversation no matter where she was in the house. But in that moment, she wished she could have the silence that tequila would bring her. The flash of the camera barely startled her as Alicia moved closer. Her eyes closed as she remembered those final moments before she walked into her apartment. Something in her gut told her something was wrong. She had told Alicia hours before that she had a bad feeling. Something had been nagging at her, pulling her focus throughout the day. In those final moments, it felt like a magnet was pulling her from the door. The room had felt different the moment she stepped foot in the kitchen. It was as if a darkness had settled over her and refused to leave. Kalinda didn’t want to tell Alicia what had happened; what she felt. But without her permission, she began to talk. It wasn’t in full sentences, but she was talking. “Nick found out where I live,” she said as she stepped out of her boots and placed them in a plastic bag, holding Alicia’s hand as she balanced on one injured leg after another. Those had been her favorite boots. She shook her head at the thought of never getting them back. One more normal thing Nick was able to take out of her life. “He was already inside when I got home.” Her fingers shook as she worked the buttons free down her blouse. The blood on her hands making it difficult to work the buttons through the holes at any speed that she was comfortable with. She wanted her undressing to be over as quickly as possible. She was cold and sore. All she really wanted was to curl up in a ball and disappear. Her eyes glanced to the ceiling to stop her tears. She was frustrated with herself. Frustrated and angry that she couldn’t control her emotions. Despair that she hadn’t killed Nick when she’d had the chance. She allowed the material to fall from her shoulders and placed it in the bag, quickly wiping her tears away before Alicia had time to notice them. 

Alicia took careful photos of each developing bruise and scratch on Kalinda’s chest. The finger prints on her shoulders. The evidence was so fresh on Kalinda’s body that Alicia had to fight everything in her criminal justice brain that screamed at her to take the young woman to the hospital. She had to fight to not call the police. She had argue with herself to not call for an ambulance. Alicia needed Kalinda to take the lead. She would do whatever the young woman wanted her to do. But she needed her to talk. Throughout the years of their friendship and relationship, she had never wanted the woman to talk more than in those few moments. “What happened, Kalinda?” She was mostly terrified that the woman she had come to care so much about had internal injuries. The blood that continued to drip and run down her legs concerned her the most. She knew Kalinda wasn’t being completely honest. She was holding things back in order to protect her from the worst of the nightmare. And even if Kalinda did tell her what happened, it would never be the full truth. 

Kalinda exhaled sharply as her fingers shook on her skirt zipper. It wasn’t that she was afraid of Alicia seeing her scarred, battered body. She wasn’t afraid of Alicia seeing the blood that covered her thighs. She was afraid if she started talking she would never stop. She was afraid she would say things that would cause more heartache and more damage. Details that would haunt Alicia’s nightmares just as they haunted her own. She had never had to tell her story. She had never been questioned by anyone about her ‘accidents’. With all of Nick’s other attacks no one had ever asked any questions. She never had anyone that cared enough for her to ask anything. She had no family after she married Nick. She wasn’t allowed to have a job outside the home. She wasn’t allowed to go outside without him. All her time in Canada, she never made any friends. The only people she came into contact with on a daily basis were mostly men that worked for her husband, and they weren’t always considerate of her presence. If Nick had killed her all those years ago, there wouldn’t have even been anyone to miss her. Leela could have so easily been slaughter in a home that had become a prison. She had never told anyone those details. She had never told anyone anything, avoiding questions like the plague. Avoiding the past as if it were animal stalking her, waiting for her to stumble. Looking at Alicia, the kindness in her face. The compassion in her eyes was the only thing that convinced Kalinda it was okay to tell her story. Someone cared and someone would listen. Someone would finally protect her. “He caught me off guard, but he was calm at first.” He had surprised her when she walked through the door. He had said hello. Nick was sitting on the opposite side of the island, a half empty bottle of whiskey sitting in front of him. He talked while the gears turned in her head, mostly trying to figure out how to get to her gun, which was in her nightstand. He was being sweet in his own disgusting way. He called her baby, tried to talk about more pleasant memories they shared in the past. Kalinda refused to listen as she turned her back to place her purse on the kitchen counter. She wasn’t afraid. She had never really been afraid of the man that beat her on a weekly basis. Kalinda had grown into an entirely new person. She didn’t have to be afraid of him anymore. But as he pressed up behind her she could feel the gun in his pocket. She could smell the alcohol on his hot breath. On instinct she had moved away before he had a chance to grab her, putting the island between them. “He told me, I was going back with him. He said, he didn’t spend five years in prison waiting for his lovely wife, to find out she disappeared.” Kalinda thought she would be faster than a man who had been drinking all afternoon, but again, she was surprised to find out just how quick he can be. She could remember him pushing her against the wall. Her head bouncing off one of the beams, causing her vision to spin for a moment. He wasn’t angry, that was what scared her. Nick had been perfectly calm as his hands wrapped around her throat. “The more I talked, the madder he got. I refused to fly back with him.” Kalinda pulled the zipper down on her skirt. She closed her eyes for a moment, allowing a few comforting breaths. Nick had been calm when he pushed her into the bedroom. Forced her down on the bed. She had kicked and fought. She tried to bite his hand as she began to scream. “He pushed me up against the wall. His hands were around my throat. He forced me into the bedroom.” Kalinda paused. She still hadn’t released her skirt. Alicia didn’t need to know what happened after Nick had her on the bed. She didn’t need to hear the details of the rape. One of them needed to be able to sleep at night and it might as be the one with children. 

Alicia sat the camera down. She could see the pain stitched across the investigator’s brows. She could see Kalinda reliving the days events as the words spilled out of her mouth. As Kalinda was telling the very few details she could, Alicia began picturing the events as well. Experiencing her stunned fear as the investigator was slammed up against the wall. Nick’s hands tightening around her throat causing her to panic and scratch at his neck and face. She could feel how Kalinda had frozen when Nick had pushed her into the bedroom, forcing her on the bed. Pushing her knees apart for violently she was surprised Kalinda’s hip hadn’t fractured. Alicia could feel the pain and fear that ran through the investigator’s body as Nick raped her. She could feel and picture it all as if it had been her experiencing the attack. In her heart, Alicia wished it had been her. She was the one that deserved it. She was the one that caused it all to happen. Alicia could see the panic beginning to form in Kalinda’s face the longer she stayed in her memories. The older woman decided she didn’t need the details. It wasn’t worth losing Kalinda psychologically forever. “You can stop if you need to.” She could see the physical and emotional pain etched across the younger woman’s face. Could see the frustration and aggravation with every sigh and moan that passed her lips. 

Kalinda shook her head. It wasn’t showing Alicia her body that was stopping her. The attorney had seen her body on numerous occasions. But she couldn’t honestly say what Alicia would see once she dropped the skirt to the floor. There were so many things she couldn’t remember about the attack, and some of her injuries were included on that list. Alicia was wrong, she couldn’t stop. She had already told a quarter of what she remembered and by the look on the older woman’s face, Alicia knew what she would see once her clothes were on the floor. No one was gonna know. That was the only thought that continued floating around inside her head. She would never have to tell anyone what happened to her. No matter what injuries they would discover in the next few minutes, the only person that would know was Alicia. The only person she had to show her body to was Alicia. And Kalinda knew her friend would never mention this night again if that’s what she wanted. “I don’t even know why I needed to do this,” she whispered. That wasn’t completely true. She wanted someone to know what had happened to her. She wanted someone to see her injuries and witness her pain along with her. She didn’t want a rape kit collected. Even the thought of someone poking and prodding at her intimate injuries made her want to vomit. She didn’t want a doctor telling her the same information she had heard ten times over. She didn’t want his DNA ran through any databases for her friends in the police department and FBI to see just how many times Nick had beaten and tortured her so badly she ended up in the Emergency Room. She didn’t want to talk to the police. She didn’t want to talk to Lana or Donna or whomever else she could think that mattered to her. Kalinda would talk to Alicia, not because she had to, but because the older woman could see it and feel it without the words. They would never tell anyone, not unless something were to happen to her worse than rape. The evidence would stay in the back of Alicia’s bedroom closet hidden from the world. 

Alicia watched the skirt fall to the floor. The black fabric pooling at Kalinda’s feet. The older woman took several photos of the ruined garment. The spots of blood became more and more visible the longer Alicia focused the camera and listened to the relaxing click. The leather had soaked up most of the blood that had accumulated while the young woman had driven to the apartment. The skirt would never be able to be cleaned. For a moment, Alicia wondered how much her SUV would need to be cleaned in order to hide all evidence of the night. She watched as the investigator slipped the ruined material into a paper bag. She didn’t think about what she was supposed to do with the evidence they were collecting. She wasn’t going to ask what Kalinda expected her to do. Alicia was taking one step and one thought as they came. If the investigator wanted to call someone she would let her know. If she wanted to take a trip to the hospital or to the free clinic located on the other side of the river, she would tell her. Until Kalinda voiced exactly what she wanted, Alicia was happy to follow her lead and observe. Document the violence the only way either one of them knew how. With every click of the camera Alicia could feel her blood pressure rising; her cheeks filling with blood, her ears beginning to burn. Kalinda’s thighs were caked with dirt and blood. Even though she tried not to focus her attention between the younger woman’s legs, but Alicia couldn’t stop herself. What used to be the investigator’s pink silk panties were now stained red. She could easily see several lacerations on the soft skin of her inner thighs, but that wasn’t where ALL the blood came from. And even though she would never ask, she knew Kalinda had injuries that she would probably always refuse to talk about. Alicia took one last picture before turning the camera off. An overwhelming feeling of anger began to take over every nerve Alicia had inside her body. She wanted Nick punished. She wanted thing inflicted on him that she had never wished on her worst enemy. Alicia wanted him dead. And for once she wanted to do it herself. She wanted the pleasure of watching him die by her hand. She wanted to whisper things in his ear about how much she loved the woman he worked so hard to break. Let him know in his last minutes that Kalinda would never feel the violent touch of a man again. Alicia wanted him to know that after he was dead Kalinda would be happy; she would live her life in peace. As those thoughts invaded her already overly stimulated brain, she couldn’t stop the words that came out of her mouth. “We’re doing this so there is evidence to explain why I killed your ex-husband.”

Kalinda looked up sharply. Catching Alicia’s gaze before quickly looking away. She had never heard Alicia speak that way. She had never heard her threaten anyone. The older woman was passive, powerful but passive. Kalinda would never doubt that Alicia would and could defend her if it came down to it. She had no doubt that she had defended her on several occasions that she wasn’t aware of. But she had never heard Alicia speak so directly. Speak with such anger and passion that it shook her to the core. Even when Alicia had discovered her secret, she had never spoken to her in that particular tone. It was full of hate. Her eyes turning dark. Kalinda didn’t like the feeling Alicia’s tone caused within her. Not when she was so used to her voice causing butterflies deep in her gut. Now her tone caused anxiety to settle in her chest. “I let him rape me, Alicia.” The words had slipped out without her permission. It was an automatic response. A response she had given more times than she cared to admit. She didn’t want to think of the other option. That she was a true victim. “I didn’t fight back once he had me on the bed. It woulda been worse if I had.” Kalinda’s mind fought to not flash back to all the things Nick had forced her to do in the past. All the scars on her body that represented his anger. She had been lucky he hadn’t done any of the things she had feared for so long. “I couldn’t get to my gun until he went into the bathroom after it was over. And even when I got to it, I still didn’t pull the trigger.” Kalinda never wanted Nick dead. She never wanted to do that to his family. She had only wanted him to pay for what he had done. But she had bought the gun for a reason, and the memory of Nick had always been that reason. And still, she couldn’t pull the trigger. She couldn’t protect herself. After five years of thinking about him and planning what she would do if he ever found her, had escaped her mind. “I still couldn’t do it. After everything and I still couldn’t pull the trigger.” Part of her hated herself for letting him live. Allowing him to walk back into her life and tear it apart without any consequence. She hated herself even more when she saw Alicia’s face. It was an eerily calm look, but she could see the gears working and the anger building. 

Alicia couldn’t imagine how much worse it could have been. She had seen the strangulation marks around her neck. Had seen the blown blood vessels in her eyes from his sadistic game. Had seen the cut lip and red bruise on the side of her face. She could see the black and purple bruises on Kalinda’s thighs. She could see the blood still dripping slowly down her legs. She could see the way the investigator held her abdomen as if she had been punched in the gut. The violent natural of the attack wasn’t lost on Alicia. How much more could he have done to her? How much more violence could Kalinda’s body have taken? What else could Nick have put her through before he was satisfied? Then again, Kalinda was still alive. Nick hadn’t killed her. That was the only thought that continued running through Alicia’s mind as she restrained herself from reaching out to the younger woman. Nick had taken many things in those hours he had the investigator under his control, but he hadn’t taken her life. For whatever reason he allowed her to live. That didn’t mean Kalinda allowed him to subject her to hours of torture. She didn’t allow him to strangle her over and over again, reviving her only to start the process all over again. “Submission and compliance doesn’t mean you consented.” She didn’t need to say anything else. She didn’t need to explain her words. Alicia knew her words meant very little at the moment, but later Kalinda would remember them. She would remember just because she didn’t fight back, just because she didn’t say no, doesn’t mean she let Nick do anything. Her body froze. It wasn’t her fault. And all Alicia had to offer were her words as a reminder. Hoping more than anything, Kalinda would hold those words somewhere in the back of her mind to pull out when her mind told her she had done something wrong. That she could have done something different. “Any other injuries I haven’t seen?”

Kalinda nodded, pulling the waist band of her panties down. She could feel the swelling and inflammation without looking at the still seeping wound. She couldn’t stop the visible wince as her fingers passed over the imprints of Nick’s teeth. Her own scream echoing in her ears as she felt the initial pain all over again. “Bite mark on my hip. I haven’t noticed if its deep or not. I’m pretty sure the blood is from a cut on my thigh. I don’t remember how I got it. I don’t remember...” For a moment, she held her composure. Her face stoic. Her jaw set. Kalinda’s eyes connected with Alicia’s. The compassion and love burning deep inside Kalinda’s heart, burying, hiding from the darkness. She could feel the older woman forcing the love she had for her deeper, causing Kalinda to gasp softly. But the harder Alicia pushed the light in, the darkness pushed back twice as hard. Her hands began to shake as her eyes slammed closed, breaking that grounding connection the attorney offered. Her entire body froze with a sudden rush of fear. The heat in her chest began to spread, her stomach started to churn. The sweat began dripping down her face, coating her hands and feet. And although she could feel it coming, there was very little she could do to stop the panic as it washed over her. “I can’t remember,” it was barely a whisper as the darkness that had been lurking inside her chest began to spread to her head. Her entire brain became a fog. Everything she had experienced in the past few hours began to slowly disappear. The thoughts she tried to hold on to began to get jumbled. There were things she hadn’t been able to remember when she pulled up in front of her Alicia’s building. But the harder she thought about her injuries, the fuzzier her memories became. Her bottom lip began to quiver. The reality of what happened slowly registering in her clouded mind. The reality of what Nick was capable of finally settling in her mind. She could feel her body begin to betray her. The physical and mental torture she had faced over the previous hours were finally taking it’s toil on her body. “Alicia, I...” Her words were lost to her.

Alicia dropped the towels she’d been holding. Her hands reaching for the younger woman before her brain had processed what was happening. She watched as Kalinda began to break. The tears falling freely down her scratched and bruised face. Her blood stained arms wrapping around her abdomen. Her knees giving out. Alicia caught her before she hit the floor. Kalinda’s arms wrapping around her neck. The attorney could feel her fingers tightening in her t-shirt. “We’re done,” She whispered, lowering herself and Kalinda down to the tile. Kalinda lying half in her lap. Her face buried in Alicia’s neck. Her body folding in on itself. “Honey, what happened to you?” She asked, stroking Kalinda’s hair. Her other hand carefully stroking down the younger woman’s back. Alicia knew she would be covered in blood by the time they were able to get Kalinda in the shower, but the attorney couldn’t bring herself to care. The mother in Alicia taking over any other feelings she had previously had for the woman. She had loved Kalinda once. Still loved her after she discovered the one night between the investigator and her ex-husband. But she had kept her distance, continued the cold shoulder in order to protect herself. She was more afraid of what Kalinda wasn’t telling her than she was of the information she already knew. She had wanted more than anything, so many times, to simply throw all her cards on the table to see what would happen. To see if Kalinda would allow herself to unraval for her. Alicia never threw those secret cards on the table, but the younger woman did reveal more of herself over time. Little secrets that would mean nothing to anyone else, but Alicia wanted to know it all. Discovering Kalinda didn’t like coffee or she couldn’t stand wearing thigh highs for very long meant more to the attorney than learning every secret she had. The every day secrets were what Alicia wanted, and as more and more were uncovered, that love began to grow all over again. And at that moment, she felt that love return as more and more of the investigator is revealed through her cries. The love she had for the woman before the scandalous information reached Alicia. Holding her in that moment, the violence inflicted on Kalinda brought an overwhelming feeling of anger; of protectiveness. 

Kalinda could feel the hot, silent tears as they ran down her cheeks. She felt the darkness beginning to take her. The numb darkness that she had fought so hard to escape from. It was as if a black wave had swept her up and decided to toss her around until it decided what to do with her. Her heart could feel it in full force, but her brain continued fighting and screaming for that normal calm she had established for herself. She wanted to be stronger. Wanted to bury everything deep inside as she normally would, but Alicia made her feel safe. Made her feel that she didn’t have to carry that strength alone. She didn’t have to fight the monsters alone. For once, she would have someone by her side while she fought her way back. She would have someone to hold her and tell her everything would be okay. She would have someone that would wake her from the nightmares. Alicia’s soft touches reminded her that someone would be there to take care of her while she fell apart. “I can’t go home,” she whimpered, pulling Alicia’s arm closer to her chest. She couldn’t imagine stepping foot in her apartment. She knew most of her things were covered in blood or broken. Her clothing and personal items were the only things she would need to receive before she moved again, but the thought of going home sent violent chills down her spine. Nick knew where she lived. He would come back for her. He would always come back. Kalinda knew, even all those years ago, that Nick would find her eventually. And she knew what would happen when he found her. She had known the consequences, but she was still surprised at how violent he had become. 

Alicia held her as tight as she dared. Shifting her body to allow Kalinda to curl completely into her lap and surprisingly the investigator didn’t seem to mind the contact. In fact, the way Kalinda’s hand clung to her shirt made Alicia feel as if she couldn’t get her close enough. The bruised side of her beautiful face was pressed tightly against her chest. She could feel the woman’s silent tears soaking into the fabric of her thin shirt. Alicia tried to calm the woman’s tears, but she could feel the continuous quiver of her chin against her breast. Kalinda’s hand held the fabric of her shirt in her hand so tightly her knuckles began to turn white. It wasn’t easy to ignore the investigator’s manicured fingernails pinching the skin of her stomach, but she didn’t dare flinch or pull away. Alicia traced the investigator’s arm lightly, her fingertips barely touching her sensative skin. Brushing gently over the scratches and bruises until she reached the clenched fist above her naval. Tracing the knuckles softly while humming quietly against the top of Kalinda’s head. Alicia could remember doing the same thing when Grace was breast feeding while having colic. She would have to wait for the tiny fist to relax under Alicia’s familiar touch. The older woman gently kissed the investigator’s bruised temple while continuing her soft touch against Kalinda’s hand. Waiting for the fingers to relax before Alicia interlaced her warm fingers with the investigator’s cold ones. “You’re staying here with me,” she whispered the injured temple. Alicia couldn’t imagine sending Kalinda back out into the darkness, not knowing where she would go or who would find her. The attorney wanted to keep the injured woman close. She needed to know where she would be while her body healed. She ran a hand through the investigator’s thick black hair. One of the few times Alicia was allowed to touch the younger woman’s hair while it wasn’t tied tight on the back of her head. She could feel the clumps of matted blood beneath her fingers. Some was still wet and stained under the attorney’s fingernails, while other places were already completely dry. Alicia hadn’t thought to ask if Kalinda had felt the need to document her head injure. Even when the investigator had told her she was thrown against the wall. The small woman had never mentioned being hit in the head. Her fingers gently massaged the woman’s scalp, searching for any injuries that might explain the blood in her hair. Luckily she found none. No cuts or bruises or gashes that were of any concern. Kalinda’s body curling further into her as Alicia’s hand gently massaged the muscles in her neck. Wanting so badly to take away every cut and bruise her beautiful friend had. “What can I do for you now?”

If Kalinda were truly being honest with herself she would admit that the only thing she needed, wanted, was Alicia. She wanted Alicia to hold her close. She wanted Alicia to continue shushing her softly while gently combing through her tangled hair. She wanted to continue to feel the older woman’s lips against her bruised skin. With every touch it was as if Alicia were erasing the nightmare from her body one touch at a time. After a moment of silence, Kalinda slowly pulled herself away. She never left Alicia’s lap, the attorney had simply spread her legs and allowed her to settle between them. But her body lacked the comfort and warmth it was so disparately starved for. Her body shivering the moment Alicia’s skin wasn’t against hers. She already missed the contact. Her body already missing the warmth. And she missed that electric jolt she felt every time Alicia’s skin touched hers. She looked up at Alicia and then around the room as if she had never been there before. An almost blank look on her face. She didn’t know exactly what she wanted. She couldn’t even tell what her body needed in order to heal properly. All she could focus on was how numb she felt now that the older woman’s chest wasn’t the side of her face, now that her hands are no longer warming her arms and back. Now that Alicia wasn’t whispering sweet words in her ear, Kalinda could feel how dark and still her soul was. But how could she tell Alicia that? How could she describe how empty her entire body felt. How numb and cold her skin felt at every touch. How could she tell the woman that she loved that without her touch she felt as if she were drifting further and further into that dark pit. “I just want to shower and go to bed,” she said numbly, wrapping her arms around herself, pulling her knees to her chest as she felt Alicia’s hand move the hair over one shoulder. Kalinda allowed the gentle caress. She allowed the older woman’s nimble fingers to careful undo the back snaps of her corset. As the last snap opened, Alicia ran her fingers over her spine. It had been years since the attorney had touched her like that and as much as she wanted to sit in the bathroom floor and enjoy it, she needed to get clean. She wanted to get the smell of Him off her skin. Kalinda could still smell his sweat and cheap cologne when she took a deep breath. She could feel the dirt and blood between her legs with every shift of her hips. And she wanted it all washed away. She didn’t want to talk about it. She didn’t want to think about what would happen when it was time to fall asleep. All she wanted was to watch the day go down the drain and allow Alicia to touch her without feeling disgusted. 

Alicia’s hand naturally fell on Kalinda’s bare foot as she carefully encouraged the woman to lean back against her for a moment. Her chin rested on her none bruised shoulder. She watched the young woman carefully for signs of fear or discomfort, but instead she caught the half second smile as her fingers warmed Kalinda’s ice cold toes. She didn’t flinch, didn’t pull away. The investigator just sat perfectly still, only moving her toes a fraction of an inch every few seconds. Alicia was shocked at not only how cold Kalinda’s body was, but also that the electric current that had once existed between them was still very much present. She could feel the sudden jolts with every move the investigator made. Alicia could feel Kalinda pressing her back against her chest, her head resting on her shoulder. “It’s been a long time since we’ve been this close,” she whispered against the shell of the investigator’s ear. She hadn’t expected to feel the shiver that ran through the young woman’s body as her breath brushed over her bare irritated neck. She hadn’t expected the woman in her arms to slowly drop her guard and reach for the hand that had been slowly warming her foot and ankle; pulling the hand to her almost bare chest. She could feel the woman’s heartbeat begin to slow against the palm of her hand. She could feel Kalinda let out a deep sigh at the gentle touch of her hand. The moment was anything but perfect, but the older woman was having a difficult time focusing on what Kalinda immediately needed when she was finally in her arms again. Alicia understood all Kalinda wanted to do was wash away everything that had happened in the last few hours, but she was having a difficult time separating herself from the woman she had pushed away for too long. She wanted her to feel clean. She wanted her to feel as normal as she possibly could for the remainder of the night. She also wanted to hold her a little longer. She wanted to kiss away the tears that were falling down her face that Kalinda thought she wouldn’t see. But instead she lifted her hand and pulled herself away. Helping the investigator to her feet as gently as she could while maintaining Kalinda’s modesty. “I’ll go make some tea.” Alicia bit her lip and waited as she herself began to fidget. Picking and scratching at the flaking red polish. Wanting more than anything to be able to rewind their lives to just over two years ago. The last time they were in this bathroom. It was a happier memory Alicia held close on those lonely nights. But she couldn’t say those things; not now. Not when everything was already falling apart around them. “Do you want me to take the cat with me?” she asked instead, glancing at the black ball of fur still sitting in the corner watching her. 

Sighing, Kalinda shakes her head, glancing at Alicia for only a moment before returning her focus to the carpet under her bare feet. She would never admit it out loud, but the young woman secretly liked the cat around when she feeling lonely. She loved the cuddles the cat silently offered. She loved that she would lick her tears from her face, no judgment, no questions. She remembered all the times she had been emotionaly upset, the cat clawing at the window to get in, climbing into her lap begging to be petted. Doing everything in her power to get Kalinda to focus on something other than her emotions. With every panic attack she had suffered alone, the cat meowing as loud as her little lungs would allow or knocking over something in order to get her attention. Most of the time Kalinda ended up on the bathroom floor, sobbing, holding onto the poor animal as if her life depended on it. And the cat would simply lick her face. Rubbing her head against the investigator’s chin. She had come to depend on the fluffy animal for the days that simply didn’t go her way. On the days Lana was pressuring her to tell more of herself than she was ready to reveal. On the days when avoiding Alicia was almost unbearable. The cat had especially been needed on those long months after her secret had been revealed to Alicia. Those were the days when she couldn’t bare to get out of bed. On those long weekends that she just spent crying. One the nights that she wanted to end it all and pretend that it would be better for everyone. The furry thing had stayed by her side. “She won’t go. She’ll just claw at the door until you let her back in.” Her voice sounded flat and emotionless even to herself. She knew she was trying to separate herself; compartmentalize. The longer she thought about the injuries and the violence, the further she sunk into that dark world that took years of therapy and pills to climb out of. 

Alicia waited for the smaller woman to turn her back before she glanced down at the cat. She was perched in the corner of the room, watching her, body poised to pounce. The cat had been acting odd since she had made herself known. Strangely staring and carefully watching. She especially watched Alicia. When she was holding Kalinda on the floor Alicia swore she could see the cat thinking, looking confused. Glancing back and forth between her and Kalinda. It was as if the animal had been waiting for a sign before she reacted. On instinct Alicia wanted to put the cat outside, she was making her feel uncomfortable in her own home, but Kalinda needed her. She needed the animal like Grace needed her stuffed rabbit whenever they would leave the house. The attorney had never hated cats, she had just never had the time to care for one. Zach had begged her and Peter for a cat when their neighbor’s cat had kittens. At the time, she had no reason to say no, but she did anyway. Alicia had always been more of a dog person. She admired their loyalty. She liked Will’s cat. She would play with the strings hanging on her purse when she set it on his counter. His cat loved to cuddle in her lap whenever they watched a movie. She had almost caved when Zach had asked again a few months ago, but she still said no. If she could gaureentee to get a kitten just like Will laid back, overweight fur ball, Alicia wouldn’t mind. Staring at Kalinda’s cat almost caused a chill to run down her spine. Will’s cat was nothing like the one that was almost hiding in the shadow by the water heater door. Not wanting to be seen but wanting her presence known. The hair on the back of her neck stood on end. Her tail was tucked close to her rear legs. She was like a German shepherd police dog watching over her owner. Protecting her. Alicia had a feeling Kalinda needed the cat more than the cat needed her. “Okay,” Alicia agreed, gently placing a hand on Kalinda’s arm before heading to the kitchen. If Kalinda wanted to be held again, she would ask. Alicia hoped she would ask.


	2. Chapter 2

As Kalinda stood in the bathroom, alone for the first time, a rush of panic flooded her body. Her fingers began to twitch at her sides. The scratches on her chest were beginning to itch. She tried not to scratch them, but her right hand wondered to her bare chest anyway. Trying to only rub the wounds into submission. The side of her face began to throb; radiating heat from her cheek bone to her jaw. The pain in her lower abdomen felt as if she were experiencing the worst cramps she’d had in last four years. Nick had raped her more times than she could remember. She had been forced to her knees by more men than she cared to remember. In all those experiences, Kalinda had never felt more pain than she felt standing half naked in Alicia’s bathroom. The more pain she began to feel the colder the air around her got; the tighter her chest became. Kalinda tried to close her eyes and block out the sudden need to run; to escape. She felt trapped. The walls were beginning to close in around her. Shifting as if she were in a tilting fun house at the carnival. The shadows in the room began to shift and move in front of her eyes. The room began to slowly spin as the shadows began to move, poking their heads out from their hiding places. Kalinda could feel the familiar tremor in her right hand returning, the one Nick broke twice with a pair of handcuffs. The tightness in her chest that hadn’t been present for many years began to spread until she couldn’t catch her breath. The more she blinked to clear her vision, to clear her mind, the darker it became. She flipped the other three light switches on in Alicia’s bathroom. Throwing the entire room in blinding light. Ridding the large bathroom of it’s shadows. Kalinda had reacted before realizing her hands were still wet with blood. The light switch was now covered in blood. As she glanced at the closed door, she could see Alicia’s hand print, in her blood on the wall and door. Something in her heart finally broke. It wasn’t right seeing the prints of the one she loved in her blood. Kalinda wanted to scream; she wanted to cry out to what ever deity Grace believed in to take her pain away. The cat meowing gently in the corner trying to catch her attention was the only sound she could hear without the constant static in her ears. The only thing she could grasp amoung the many demonic voices sounded off inside her head. She wasn’t much of an attack animal, but she was extremely protective and could turn violent quickly. She could also screech louder than the voices could whisper. She took a few calming breaths, listening to the cat meow loudly every few seconds. Kalinda moved slowly toward the shower, only to stop as she caught sight of her reflection in the large vanity from the corner of her eye. 

Kalinda had yet to see herself, and as she slowly, almost fearfully turned her body to face the mirror, her heart dropped into her stomach. Everything she had managed to eat that afternoon threatened to be expelled all over Alicia’s bathroom vanity. She could feel her pulse beating faster in her neck, her blood pressure rising with every passing minute. She could feel the heat developing in her face, causing the side of her face to throb every time her heart pounded in her ears. The faster the pounding became, the more pain that radiated from her temple to her blood shot eye. The sweat on her palms became so pronounced it began to drip slowly from her fingertips. Kalinda couldn’t remember the last time she had sweat that much so quickly. Even her escapades with Lana had never made her break a sweat. She had to grip the counter top to keep her balance as her legs began to buckle with the sight of the black bruises cover her right shoulder. Her throat constricted and she felt the familiar sting of tears as her eyes raked over her disheveled appearance. Her hair looked unkept and knotted as if she hadn’t owned a brush in a number of years. She could see the blood on the back of her neck from the crack she took during Nick’s attack. Kalinda gently ran her fingers over the cut, it wasn’t deep nor did she think it needed to be brought to Alicia’s attention. There were dark circles under her eyes and her upper lip was split. She briefly remembered being up with Alicia for three days straight when Peter finally left. She hadn’t looked like she missed a single night sleep by the end of that week. A few hours with Nick and she looked like an insane drug addict. The angry bruise that was shaped like a hand print around her throat made her cringe, remembering how compliant she had been. She could still see the red marks his nails made as they dug into the skin of her neck. Without much thought, Kalinda slammed her hands down on the counter trying to forget the smirk on Nick’s face when she regained consciousness. She was pale and reminded herself of the dead bodies she used to see at the D.A.’s office. She still had no idea what was hidden under her corset that Alicia had thankfully unclasped, but she couldn’t bring herself to drop the material. She could feel some of the bruises around her ribs and hips, but even while getting redressed Kalinda never once glanced down at her body. She hadn’t wanted to be alone once she saw the damage that had been done. 

Swallowing, Kalinda began to slowly and painfully disrobe, silently wishing Alicia hadn’t left her to finish alone. She reached up slower than she ever had in order to undress, painfully untying the ribbon that still held the corset around her neck. Moving her arms even the slightest inch caused more pain than she ever thought possible from one of Nick’s attacks. She had never understood when people said they felt like they’ve been hit by a bus; now she did. The bruises on her shoulders and collar bone were finally revealed as the corset dropped to the floor. Her fingers gripped the counter as she remembered Nick pinning her to the mattress. Using his large hands and placing all his weight on her small shoulders. Squeezing her forearms until she yelped in pain. The scratches on her breasts and stomach were already scabbed over. It looked as if glass had shattered, only nicking her skin in a few places here and there. Simple scratches that wouldn’t need anything but a little alcohol rubbed on them. Most of them were from Nick’s sharp finger nails. Some of them from her own as she scratched at whatever flesh she came in contact with while he strangled her. A few were from Nick sadistically running the knife over her sensitive skin. With a smirk on his face, she could only watch as he ran the knife across her neck, along the curve of her breasts, down to her belly button. Kalinda was only happy that she had taken out her belly ring the night before at Lana’s apartment. She had forgotten it when she left, leaving it on the nightstand where Lana had placed it the night before. Nick would have ripped it out. He would have enjoyed seeing her in agony. He would have tortured her with it. She knew he had found the pictures of her and Lana in the scrapebook she kept under her mattress. In many of the pictures they are scantly dressed in Lana’s bed. Some with Lana playing with the piece of metal. Usually tugging it between her teeth before kissing the skin to lessen the sting. Nick would have taken those pleasant memories away from her just as he had taken the pictures. Kalinda quickly brushed the tears away before pushing her silk panties to the floor. They had been stained with blood that would never come out. Even if she could get the blood out, the thought of his semen on her clothing, even with them clean still made her shiver. The bite mark on her hip wasn’t as deep as she originally thought. In the first few moments of feeling the wound in the dark, it felt sticky, swollen and painful. She had believed he scarred he with his mark forever. Fortunately, he hadn’t been able to get a grip on her skin as she was kicking and squirming. Nick had only broken the skin in a few places where her skin was thinner, but it wasn’t actively bleeding any longer. It wasn’t seeping clear fluid, but it was showing signs of bruising and inflammation. The investigator knew she would at least need to go to the health department and get a tetanus shot and antibiotics for any and all infections he may have been carrying. She sighed as she braced herself against the counter; her skin finally bare. Kalinda closed her eyes, taking a deep breath, remembering the feeling of Alicia’s hands on her skin. Remembering the way they almost made her forget Nick’s callused hands on her body. Alicia’s touch was soft and calming. It was loving in a way the investigator hadn’t felt in longer than she cared to remember. She could remember all those times, before her secret was known, Alicia touching her; testing the waters. Alicia holding her in the same bed she once shared with Peter. There had always been gentle touching; light over the clothes petting. She never allowed Alicia to kiss her on the mouth, no matter how much she had pressed. It was too intimate. It was during that strange transition between best friends and lovers that they had found themselves in. 

As Kalinda shifted her weight from one foot to the other a sharp stabbing pain shot through her thigh and into her pelvis. It felt as if someone took a hot poker and was twisting it inside her lower belly. She tried taking deep breaths, fighting the tears until the pain subsided. Kalinda only allowed a few tears to fall, watching them as they hit the counter top. She bit into her bottom lip, feeling the fresh cut crack open again. She could taste the tiny bit of blood on her tongue when she attempted to wet her overly dry lips. The investigator finally leaned down, resting her elbows against the cold counter. It seemed to be the only position that would allow her stomach to rest. It relieved most of the stress in her hips and lower back. The nausea slowly disappeared as she was finally able to catch her breath. The pain in her chest slowly left, leaving her body feeling momentarily light. The panic she had previously felt slipped from her troubled mind. The walls had stopped closing in on her. The claustrophobia that previous threatened to overtake her rational mind was now gone. As the gnawing pain subsided, she folded the silk corset and placed it on the counter for Alicia to collect later. She only wore that particular piece when she knew she would end it in Lana’s bed. She wouldn’t miss it. She wouldn’t be spending anymore alone time with the FBI agent anyway. Alicia could gladly hide the offending, tainted garment from her sight for the rest of her days. It wouldn’t be the first time Alicia handled her lingerie and by the condition of Kalinda’s body it wouldn’t be the last time. She would need help for the next few days in order to allow her body to heal. She would have to force her body to allow Alicia to take care of her. Kalinda knew she would at least need help getting dressed and walking more than a few yards once the unbearable soreness took over. In the morning, when the pain would be at it’s worst, Alicia would have to take care of her. She would have to dress her wounds, bring her medication. Even as the pain radiated through her thighs once more, it was mentally difficult to allow anyone to take care of her. To do every day things for her because she was too injured to do them herself. Kalinda had spent so long licking her own wounds after Nick’s beatings that she was accustom to healing herself. 

She finally saw the damage Nick had done to her once flawless skin. The skin she could remember Alicia worshiping with her soft touches and butterfly kisses. The older woman also praised how soft and warm her skin always seemed to be, especially when they were alone together. It would take months for her skin to look and feel the same again. “God...” she gasped at the bruises on her arms from being held down and trying to block several of his blows. The black and blue color around her middle had mostly been caused when he kicked and kneed her in the sides when she refused to comply. It wouldn’t surprise her if her ribs hadn’t been cracked or at least badly bruised. With every deep breath it felt as if a knife was being driven into her left side. She couldn’t be able to work for at least a week, Alicia would have to find a way to explain her absence to Diane without raising suspicions. She couldn’t be able to wear a bra or even bend over for a least a few days. There would be no running around chasing information or interviewing suspects, it was Robin’s turn to play bad cop. She knew her ribs and belly looked worse than they actually were, but she couldn’t help but feel disgusted at the sight of herself. It was a sight that was both familiar and unfamiliar to her. She could feel the familiar sensations of shame and filth festering under her skin like termites burying through wood. Nothing like that had ever happened to Kalinda Sharma. Her body had never made her feel like peeling off her skin. Kalinda had always been in control when it came to her own body. Leela’s body, however, had barely known anything other than cuts, bruises, and pain. She could still feel Leela’s pain and agony, and every year it had only gotten worse. As she stared at herself in the mirror, all she saw was that little lost girl searching for what was promised to her; a happy life. Kalinda now knew why Alicia had been so uncomfortable when she was taking the pictures. Why she had seen sadness and anger in Alicia’s eyes when she looked at her. Why she was so gentle when she held her. Even without seeing under the corset at the time, her body looked like a crime scene. Throwing her clothes back on, she hadn’t really paid much attention to the possible marks on her body, she had been too focused on staying up right. Too focused on listening for any signs of Nick in the next room. Now, the tears began flowing at a steady rate as she tore her gaze from the mirror. She was used to the bruises Nick left on her thighs. She was used to him pinning her down and nipping at her. She wasn’t used to the level of violence that had taken place hours before. 

Kalinda moved to the shower and stared at the knobs, contemplating. It was a decision she had made over thirty times in her life, how much heat could her skin take before she didn’t smell him anymore. She had to get clean. She had to wash away the blood. She had to wash the feeling of him off her skin. The feeling of his hands on her breasts, between her legs. She needed to wash the memories of him away again. Leela had washed Nick and his friends off her skin so many times Kalinda wondered how she hadn’t permanently damaged herself in the process. She knew it was irrational and probably had something to do with her usually well controlled OCD and PTSD, but as her hand hovered over the knobs, she made her decision. It wasn’t really a decision and more of a reflex. Turning it on the hottest setting and waited for the water to heat up. It felt wrong in the pit of her stomach. Kalinda knew what her skin would feel like tomorrow. She knew how much her bones would burn with the slightest of touches. She would deal with the consequences in the morning. Somewhere in the back of her mind, the very rational part of Kalinda was chiding her, telling her that she didn’t need the heat, that it was just a form of self-harm to help her cope. To help her climb out of that place between numb and devastation. But the investigator couldn’t find it in herself to care. She needed it. Needed to feel something. Anything other than Nick’s hands and mouth all over her. The first time Nick touched her, after five years of freedom, all emotion washed away from her. Everything Kalinda had felt in the last five years was taken from her. She felt nothing. It was as if her heart had turned into a constantly swirling black hole where all her emotion had hidden from her; protected her from the awful outside world. She didn’t feel the pain as Nick wrapped his hands around her throat. She didn’t feel the fear as he drug the knife across her neck, only pricking the skin. Kalinda felt nothing...until she reached Alicia’s door. 

She was dirty. Filthy. Damaged. Leela was slowly brought to the surface out of her dark hiding place. Little passive, submissive Leela. The little wife that never fought back. The eighteen year old that didn’t know any better when she married the thirty year old drug dealer. She didn’t listen to her father when he forbid her from seeing the white man that would never be good enough for his daughter. She didn’t listen to her mother when she had begged for her stay as she was climbing out the window in the middle of the night. It only took two months for the beatings to start. Five months for her first of many emergency room visits. Eleven months for the first miscarriage. Even as the years went by and the beatings became worse, Leela still wasn’t strong enough to walk away. She wasn’t strong enough to tell any of her closest friends and family, the ones that hadn’t abandoned her after her marriage began. She hid the injuries under layers of makeup, long sleeved blouses. When she knew she couldn’t hide the injuries, Leela stayed home; hidden away from the world. Even when his friends had joined in on her torture close to the end of her marriage, Leela remained the dutiful wife. She did his laundry. Cooked his meals. Took care of him after his many drug overdoses. It had been a long time since the investigator had had to think about Leela, had to think about all those years trapped under a man’s control. She had been free for five glorious years. Free to be who and with whom she wanted. But now, glancing back in the mirror, all she could see was Leela; that terrified little girl that had never hurt anyone. The foolish girl that only wanted to be loved. Kalinda could feel that small voice in the back of her head, could feel Leela spreading through her as if a ghost were passing through the room. She could feel the emptiness that Leela had felt. Could feel the constant fear that had been a part of her life for too long. She could hear Leela’s silent screams. 

Kalinda stepped under the scalding water, allowing the initial sting to clean the cuts before slowly soaping her body with the gentle wash cloth Alicia had provided. She watched the half dried, brown blood swirl down the drain. She was careful for the first few minutes. Gently running the white cloth over the cuts on her arms; allowing the water to wash most of the dirt away from the deepest ones. She dabbed gently at the scratches on her neck and chest, they weren’t deep but they stung all the same. Kalinda glanced down at the bite mark on her hip, moaning softly as she saw the bruised, raw, broken skin. She squeezed her eyes shut as she remembered kicking Nick as hard as she dared right before his teeth sank deep into her skin. She could hear her own screams in her ears as she silently watched the blood slightly trail down her thigh. The soap stung as if her hip had been set of fire. Kalinda bit her bottom lip as she began cleaning the deep wound. Only allowing the soap to sink into her skin. She didn’t want to cause anymore damage than had already been done. Kalinda took a deep breath before she pushed the wash cloth between her legs. She had lied to Alicia when she said the blood was coming from a cut on her thigh. She couldn’t remember Nick cutting her only that she felt the cuts on her skin after he left. She could remember how rough he had been and how unprepared her body was. Kalinda truly didn’t know what damage had been done, but it wouldn’t have been anything she hadn’t experienced before. She gently washed the blood and semen from her thighs. She only cried out when the scalding water hit the cuts on her thighs for the first time. And the more it stung, the more she scrubbed. And the more she scrubbed the more she hated herself for what she had allowed to happen. What she had allows allowed to happen. With every pass of the wash cloth over her skin, the more obsessed she became with needing to feel clean. With needing to feel punished for what she had done. What she had failed to do because she was afraid. Kalinda couldn’t bring herself to stop, despite the pain radiating through her body. Despite the thought that Alicia would eventually come and check on her, Kalinda couldn’t stop. She hadn’t noticed until the sobs finally registered in her ears that her walls had finally crumbled and the scrubbing became more urgent. 

Kalinda had no idea how long she had been in the shower, or that her sobs had gotten louder until there was a knock on the door. It was soft, but it startled her. Her body jerked back, hitting the shelves and knocking Alicia’s various bottles to the shower floor; startling her further. As everything toppled to the floor, the noise echoed through the bathroom and suddenly Kalinda felt panic. Kalinda had hearing like a bat to begin with, but during her hours of panic her ears were like magnets for every sound in the apartment. Her heart began to hammer in her chest. Her entire body began to shake. It felt as if someone was squeezing her throat. His laughter began echoing in her ears. Mocking her. The walls felt as if they were closing in, and the room began to change before her eyes; shifting into something from a Stephen King novel. She was no longer in Alicia’s bathroom. She was back in her marital bedroom. Her heart hammering in her ears and slamming hard in her chest. The sweat pouring off her forehead and neck. Her breath coming in soft gasps. The more she tried to blink the vision away the clearer the picture became around her. She could feel the handcuffs around her wrist, clattering against the headboard with every move she made. She could feel the broken bones in her right hand as if it had just happened. She could smell his cologne circling around her. Her blood ran cold through her veins as she felt that familiar chill run down her spine when Nick was present. It was usually her only warning before the nightmare began. 

Kalinda soon felt cold granite against her back. The open cuts stinging as the granite scratched open the ones that were beginning to clot and agitating the ones that were still sticky with blood. She could feel the warm blood dripping down her back, watching it wash away down the dark drain. Her body slowly sinking to the floor. The cold tile beneath her thighs sent a shock of stabbing pain straight through her pelvis. It caused her to shiver so violently that for a brief moment Kalinda thought she might seize. Her body curling in on itself as she waited for the pain to dial back down to a lower throb. A pain she could manage with only her will power. The room was dark, the lights were fading. She could hear the sound of the water hitting the shower floor, but she could not longer feel it against her overly sensitive skin. She could no longer see Alicia’s little bath soaps and colorful sponges decorating the shower hangers. In another flash, Kalinda was in her own bathroom; the bathroom she had shared with Nick for the years they were married. She was hiding in the shower, already beaten so badly she could barely breath without moaning in pain. She squeezed her eyes shut. Her hands covering her ears as the sound of his voice began to scream in her ears; taunting her. The room smelled of stale cigarettes and Nick’s sweat. The investigator could hear his foot steps pacing outside the locked bathroom door. Could hear him beating on the wood. Kalinda knew the door wouldn’t hold, it never did. As the pounding became louder and more persistent she began to shake. She wasn’t sure if it was because of the sobs or the immense pain in her chest or the fear that he would finally finish what he started.

Kalinda had never been afraid of death. Never gave a two second thought to the possibility that she could die before her twenty-second birthday. She never believed her parents would have to identify her mutilated body. She never thought much about anything until Nick. She had never felt a true sense of fear in her life until that first big fight with the man that had promised to love and protect her. Kalinda wanted to hide as the pounding on the door became louder. She could hear Nick screaming her name, but she couldn’t feel anything. She couldn’t feel the mind numbing fear that had once overtaken her body like a vise. It was as if her entire insides, her memories, thoughts, feelings, emotions, had all been erased and she was left as an empty, dark shell. No happiness, no light. Just the gut wrenching feeling of emptiness. There was another knock, but the familiar voice contradicted her bodies reaction to retreat. The voice was the one she had savored during their long, cold fight. Her body had a moment of relaxation, but as her brain began to increase in speed and the voices returned, she flinched away from the shower curtain. “Kalinda? Are you all right?” The investigator couldn’t bring herself to answer. The saliva was thick in her throat. Her lips dry from constantly breathing through her mouth for the last several hours. She couldn’t believe that what she was hearing was real. Alicia wasn’t really there. She had cried for her so many times, but she was never really with her. She was trapped inside her head. The disturbing thoughts gently encroached on her already unstable mind. Nick was still very much present. He was lingering over her. Laughing at her pain as she coward in the corner of the shower. The nightmare wouldn’t stop. She wanted to scream. A small force in the back of her mind continued to build in volume. A small part of the fighter that Kalinda was began to scream in her ear. Begging for her to reach out. Pleading for her to call for the one person that was on the other side of that door. That person that would come and rescue her despite the darkness that had taken hold. But she couldn’t scream. She couldn’t call out. If she did, Alicia would hear her fear. “I’m coming in.” 

She only heard the words as if she were hearing them underwater. As if she were calling to her during a category five hurricane. It was muffled. Alicia’s call sounded much further away than just behind a closed door. Kalinda could smell Alicia’s perfume, but it was as if she were smelling it in passing. It was faded and didn’t have that faint scent of the attorney herself. The pain in her chest turned into a bright burning heat that spread through her body. It felt as if her body was frozen in place. She wanted to run, but she couldn’t move. The investigator wanted to throw the sower curtain open and run into what she knew would be Alicia’s welcoming open arms. But her body wouldn’t cooperate with her mind. Her body was too afraid of another beating. Truth be told, the investigator knew that if Nick attacked her again before she had time to heal, he would kill her. Kalinda groaned loudly as she slammed her fists against solid, white tile floor, injuring her right hand even further. The nerve sent a brief electric shock up her arm until she relaxed it again. She needed the person that was calling for her behind the closed door, but more importantly Kalinda wanted her. Her heart told her it was the pale attorney that had comforted her and protected her when she needed her the most even when her mind had disappeared into a dark, emotionless abyss. Alicia had taken her in when she was almost completely silent in her doorway. She had held her when she couldn’t hold herself any longer. “Alicia?” Kalinda whimpered, the picture of the dark room slowly dissolving back into Alicia’s bathroom. Nick’s voice, although still present, slowly began to fade into a whisper, but the panic was still very much present.


	3. Chapter 3

Alicia had been knocking on the door for several minutes. She had been in the kitchen preping the tea kettle when she heard Kalinda unmistakable sob break through the silence. For the first few minutes, she was too afraid to open the door. She had seen Kalinda react badly when Cary invaded her during one of her rare panic attacks in the morning meeting. She had shoved him so hard he nearly hit the glass wall behind them. Luckily for Kalinda, Diane and Will were well aware of the investigator’s sudden need for space. Kalinda had never pushed her away physically, but she had a way of pushing her away psychologically that hurt more deeply than any punch to the gut ever could. She had continued to knock on the door, calling the young woman’s name over and over again. She could hear the gasps and cries from the shower stall. The older woman almost turned to leave the frightened woman to deal with her demons on her own; they way Kalinda preferred it. Then she heard her name come from those sweet lips, they were shaky and questioning but still very much there. Alicia opened the door slowly and squinted through the steam that had filled the room. She could barely see a foot in front of her. It was difficult for her to breath due to the incredibly high humidity. But she could feel her heart pulling her into the room. Dragging her through the fog and leading her to the woman that had always protected her and shielded her from the worst of the media backlash while dealing with Peter’s scandal, and again when she finally filed for divorce. She had heard Kalinda’s sobs and her legs seemed to move on their own. As if she were a magnet and the investigator was the other half. Before she could open the clear shower door, she steeled herself and took a breath before pulling the glass door open. Steam bellowed out, clouding her vision for a moment; stealing the breath from her chest. The dark haired woman was curled up on the floor, her face buried in her arms. Kalinda’s entire body shaking as if she had the worst fever of her life. The investigator’s body was splotchy and red. She held the wash cloth in one hand so tightly her knuckles were turning white. Alicia could see the cuts and bruises on her thighs that she hadn’t seen before. She could see the blood still mixing with the water as it traveled down the drain. Alicia could see old scars decorating the investigator’s skin, but it was the ones that were turning black that concerned her. It was the deep cuts on her thigh and bite mark on her hip that needed her attention that she was determined to focus on. Immediately she reached out for Kalinda, but jerked her hands away from the scorching water. “Jesus, Kalinda!” she exclaimed, moving carefully to turn down the hot water. 

Kalinda’s eyes landed on Alicia’s and she swallowed thickly. She couldn’t feel the almost boiling water on her skin even though she could see the steam floating around outside the bathroom stall. She couldn’t feel the temperature change as Alicia adjusted the taps. The only thing she could feel was the dirt; the physical and emotional dirt that caked her skin. The only thought that continued to turn over and over in her brain was how dirty she was. She couldn’t feel it, but the thought was enough to drive her mind insane. It was as if her brain had turned off her ability to physically feel anything. Every cut and bruise Nick inflicted on her no longer burned. She no longer felt the stinging pain between her legs or the sharp hot pain that had settled in the pit of her stomach. It was a complete numb feeling that washed over her body. It was a feeling she had been accustom to while she and Nick had been married. It was a constant feeling of being physically and emotionally numb. During her many years of therapy and constant need for medication changes, a psychologist told her it was a form of dissociation. He explained it was something that happened to most physical and sexual abuse victims that had experienced abuse for years. Every time Nick touched her after that first beating that required a trip to the hospital, her entire body went numb. She couldn’t feel his touch. He couldn’t feel his beatings or the sexual assaults. That was the same feeling washing over her body in that moment. “I can’t get clean,” she sobbed. In the back of her mind, Kalinda knew her skin was clean, but she couldn’t feel it. She couldn’t feel the silkiness of her skin that she would normally feel after a long hot shower. She couldn’t smell the sweet lavender scent of Alicia’s bath soap. It was the only way her body and mind knew how to get through the violation. Kalinda knew in a few days she would be completely back to herself. She would feel everything in full force. 

Alicia’s heart ached and she held back tears as the fear on Kalinda’s face cemented itself on her soul. Scarring her. Forcing her to remember that look forever. It was a look she remembered from her years working with domestic abuse victims. They all shared that same look of fear and helplessness. But all the women were also very compliant while in that state of fear and shock. Kalinda was no exception to that compliance. Alicia knew the investigator would do whatever she asked her to do; she also knew that wasn’t like Kalinda. The woman she had grown accustom to seeing in the halls and courtrooms was strong and powerful. Her presence could be felt without even knowing she was there. Kalinda was the most non-compliant person she had ever met. And it was difficult for Alicia to see her as the victim that she was. The lawyer gently took the washcloth from the investigator’s tight grip; leaving her with nothing to latch on to. Alicia slipped her shoes off watching the investigator meekly reach out for her. Her eyes begging for the contact she couldn’t ask for. “I’m coming, sweetheart,” she whispered, sitting on the edge of the porcelain tub and removing her fuzzy socks. She watched for a moment as Kalinda began to rock back and forth before pulling the t-shirt over her head and tossing it to the floor. Alicia wanted so badly to be able to read the investigator’s mind, wanted to know about the demons that plagued her every thought. She wanted to know their weaknesses. Wanted to force them back into the shadows and leave her beautiful love to rest. Alicia watched as Kalinda began biting at the skin around her fingernails, the rocking continued until the investigator hit her back against the tub wall. “Kalinda,” she whispered, as she stood slowly, snapping the button on her jeans before pushing them to the floor. She didn’t need to ask the younger woman’s permission to remove her clothes before entering the large tub. In the first two years of their friendship, especially on those long nights when Peter was locked away and she wanted to hide from the world, Kalinda had spent numerous nights in her bed. On the nights she was lonely and craving human contact, Kalinda was always a phone call away. Many nights, Alicia would wait for her children to fall asleep before allowing the younger woman into her apartment. Quietly bringing her through her bedroom, always locking the door behind them, and into the candle lit bathroom. 

In the beginning, Alicia never thought about lighting candles and sprinkling bath salts in the water, but the more Kalinda was in her arms, the more she wanted her there and the more comfortable the older woman wanted her to feel when her skin touched Alicia’s. She began slowly, in order to not frighten the investigator, only lighting a candle here and there, never turning the lights off. If Kalinda had noticed, she hadn’t spoken the words aloud. As the months progressed, Alicia became braver and added more candles and low lighting to their Friday night adventures. The investigator never said anything about the changes that were made gradually in front of her eyes, but she always held Alicia a little tighter on the nights when the lights were dimmer and she was brave enough to play music softly as they bathed. For more nights than she could count, she would hold the young woman, touching her gently in the warm bath, bubbles covering Kalinda’s breasts as she laid back against her naked chest. Her fingers kneading the sore muscles in the young woman’s shoulders while she in-turn massaged the aching muscles in her calves from the constant running up and down the stairs in four inch heels. It was a ritual they had, to wash the day away, to relax in the comfort of each other. Alicia decided to leave her panties wrapped firmly around her hips. It was a thin barrier, not one she had needed before, but one she felt was necessary. “My sweet girl,” she whispered, as Kalinda watched her reach slowly behind her back and unsnap the final piece of clothing she was willing to lose and dropping it to the floor. Alicia had plenty of pet names she loved to use when she and Kalinda were alone, but she knew Kalinda loved that one the best. The older woman could remember whispering sweet words in the young woman’s ear, but none made her shiver like those three words. 

As Alicia stepped over the edge of the tub, she reached behind Kalinda’s back to switch off the shower and plug the tub, sprinkling a handful of lavender salt and Epsom soap into the steaming water. The bubbles began to form immediately, surrounding the investigator’s goosebumbed ankles. The older woman adjusted the temperature once again, hotter than she would ever make a bath for herself, but Kalinda needed the heat on her sore muscles. The longer she could stay in the water the less sore her overstimulated body would be in the morning. Alicia also liked the idea of Kalinda being able to soak her open wounds, hopefully washing everything out of the open cuts that could cause an infection later. As Alicia tried to take a step to the other side of the Jacuzzi tub, Kalinda brushed her bare thigh. Her fingers brushing over the dark scars on her pale skin. Something they had connected over months before Peter’s secret had come to light. Kalinda had traced the scars over and over again beneath the soapy water, but never asked where they came from. The attorney’s eyes connected with brown wet orbs. She was silently pleading, something she only did in her presence. She gently brushed her fingers over Kalinda un-bruised cheek and smiled sweetly before turning to the other side of the tub. Alicia sat with her back against the cold porcelain with her legs spread and her hand reaching out. “Come here, baby,” she whispered, watching Kalinda move slowly through the bubbles. She felt the touch and weight of the investigator’s hand against her calf, then her thigh, her eyes never leaving Kalinda’s face. Her muscles refusing to flinch under the weight of the young woman’s upper body. It felt as if the seconds slowed as the investigator carefully adjusted her body between her open thighs. Her back against her bare chest, the weight and electricity from the investigator’s body was more familiar to Alicia than the touch of her ex-husband’s. As the tub finished filling, Alicia wanted the bubbles to cover Kalinda’s exposed breasts, the older woman pushed the faucet with her foot, shutting off the constant flow of lava hot water. 

Kalinda couldn’t stop her body’s automatic reaction when she completely tensed at the feeling of Alicia’s naked body against her battered back. She fought the urge to jerk away as Alicia took a lime green sponge from the side of the tub and began washing her shoulder. She closed her eyes as Alicia silently moved her hair over her left shoulder, moving the sponge over the strained muscles in her back. Alicia’s other hand began to carefully massage the muscles in her left shoulder. Running her fingers along the side of her neck, and for a moment she remembered exactly what it felt like to be touched by the woman she had loved from afar. “I remember...” Kalinda could remember the twenty or so baths they had taken in the past. And the more she remembered, the more she relaxed against Alicia’s chest. She watched as the older woman dipped the sponge back into the hot, soapy water before gently cleaning her neck and chest. It was so familiar, that feeling of safety she had always felt even when completely nude between Alicia’s spread legs. All those Friday nights when she would sneak into the attorney’s bedroom with an overnight bag and her favorite bath soap. Sometimes she would hold Alicia as she gently washed Will’s insults and Diane’s glares away from her porcelain skin. But most nights, she allowed Alicia to hold her. She allowed the older woman to gently touch her and wash away the constant tension that always developed in her lower back. Kalinda reached for the sponge, placing it back on the edge of the tub and interlocking her fingers with Alicia’s pressing her back further against Alicia’s soft breasts, pulling her hand to cover her chest. “I’ve always been happy with you,” she mumbled, feeling Alicia smile against her neck. Kalinda allowed a few stray tears to flow down her cheeks. “Every minute I spent with you were the happiest of my life.” Kalinda’s body began to shake. Her fingers trembled as she slowly turned to her stomach. The water was just high enough to cover Alicia’s breasts, but Kalinda could lay her head in the crook between Alicia’s shoulder and neck. “I’m sorry that I ruined it,” she choked out as she buried her face in Alicia’s neck smelling the remains of the perfume she had been wearing in the office. 

Alicia turned the heated jets on low before tightening her arms around the shaking woman. Trailing her fingers along her back. Kissing the top of her head, smelling the blood and sweat, but was still able to catch whiffs of the woman’s signature perfume. It was a scent Alicia had only smelled on the investigator. Looking for her in the office was always made easier if the older woman sniffed her out. It was a comforting smell. She knew the strong the smell became the closer she was to the woman that washed all her worries away. “Stop apologizing for things that were never your fault.” Alicia remembered the lonely months that followed Peter’s secret being revealed. That’s what Alicia began calling it the week after she found out. That’s how long it took for Alicia to really forgive the woman in her arms. One solid week, and the remainder of the year she spent punishing herself for punishing Kalinda. It had been one lonely night after the next. Even while sleeping with Will, he hadn’t stayed in her bed. He hadn’t held her in a bath while she cried over something Peter’s whore said to a reporter. Will never comforted her children when they were distraught over their father’s actions being broadcasted all over national television. Will had never offered Alicia the same comfort and protection Kalinda had. She had cried those first few nights she had spent with Will. It wasn’t because she didn’t care about Will; the opposite. She cared for him so much it hurt the way she felt as if she were using him. Her body had ached for Kalinda that Friday night she spent at the bar with Will. Her skin had been begging for the young woman’s soft touch. Alicia had only gone to keep her mind off the woman she felt had betrayed her. But sitting on that stool, buzzing on Tequila because it made her think of Kalinda, her body felt as if it were vibrating. A fire being lit in the pit of her stomach for the first time in weeks. It was the same hotel bar she and Kalinda spent their Friday nights before the secret. Alicia hadn’t stepped foot in the bar since their last Friday together. When Will had asked her, Alicia had said no, but the more she thought about the lonely night ahead, she enthusiastically changed her mind. She didn’t want to spend her night crying silently in the bath or curling up in her cold bed mourning a woman that was stilling living. She had needed to feel something. Anything to make the ache in her chest hurt a little less. The minute Will pushed her against the elevator wall, all Alicia saw when she closed her eyes was Kalinda. 

Alicia pulled the woman closer to her, kissing her forehead and gently touching her undamaged cheek. Tracing her bottom lip with her thumb. She had never been allowed to kiss Kalinda, really kiss her. It wasn’t for her lack of trying, Alicia had tried every night they spent together. The younger woman had allowed her to kiss and touch every inch of her body. Alicia knew Kalinda’s body much better than she knew her own, even after a year of missed opportunities. She knew what the investigator’s skin tasted like before and after a warm bath. She knew the taste of the skin between her collar bone and ear was more sensitive and sweeter on the tongue. She knew how much pressure it took to cause a hickey to appear on Kalinda’s skin. Alicia knew how much biting and sucking it took on the young woman’s nipples to make her moan against her pillow, but she didn’t know what her tongue tasted like. What her tongue felt like against her own. She had been craving it from the first day Kalinda unbuttoned her blouse before questioning a suspect. Alicia wanted her and couldn’t have all of her; because of Peter’s secret Kalinda would never give herself over to her. “That first night with Will,” she started, swallowing hard to prevent the tears from falling. If she was expecting Kalinda to be honest, to be open and vulnerable, she had to be as well. “I didn’t plan...” It was difficult for the older woman to explain her relationship with her old college sweetheart. It was made even more difficult having to admit that she wasn’t in a relationship with Will Gardener at all. She was searching for that one thing she couldn’t have. “I needed...” Alicia tried again with no avail. Alicia felt a nod against her shoulder. It wasn’t that she thought Kalinda wouldn’t know about her relationship with Will. Everyone knew about her sleeping with the boss; it wasn’t the secret she was trying to keep. She was trying to make herself feel something she couldn’t. Alicia had known she could never love Will from the second she realized he would never be comfortable around her children. He refused to interact with them when they came to the office on their half days. He refused to go to lunch with them when she would ask. Even after Peter moved out, Will still refused to come to her apartment, still refused to interact with her children. Kalinda was the complete opposite. She was comfortable around the kids, Grace more so than Zach. When she was busy in court, the kids would usually hide away in Kalinda’s office or the conference room. Wherever the investigator happened to be on the floor of the building, Alicia’s children seemed to find her. Kalinda would help Grace on her math homework on the rare occasion the girl couldn’t do it herself. She would help Zach with his short stories for English class when his grades began to slip after the separation. Kalinda shared twenty or so breakfasts with the family; most of the time Grace begged her to come over for dinner and she would happily oblige. The young woman would frequently watch movies with the family on Saturday’s and Sunday’s when they were with her and not Peter. Kalinda never made her feel she had to hide her from anyone. She hadn’t cared if the kids knew about their expanding relationship, but Alicia hadn’t wanted to confuse them more. 

She ran her fingers down the side of Kalinda’s neck, savoring the softness of her skin. She closed her eyes as she inhaled the younger woman’s faint perfume. “I was craving you that night. I needed you so badly,” she whispered, nuzzling her nose in Kalinda’s hair. For the first time, Alicia was no longer ashamed to admit how weak Kalinda made her. It wasn’t that she hadn’t told Kalinda how she felt, how she really felt. She had told her every night they had spent together. She had whispered sweet words of love in the dark. Confessed how much she wanted her, but she never said the words when the lights were on. When Kalinda could really see her. Alicia knew about all the investigator’s indiscretions (Lana, Donna, Dana, and she was pretty sure Cary was now on that list), and she still wanted her. Wanted her even more because she couldn’t understand why Kalinda wouldn’t choose her. Why she chose everyone else around them, everyone that would never understand her, when Alicia had been waiting and willing to love her. In the bath, at that moment, she still wanted her. She had never stopped wanting her. The year apart had done very little to dampen that deep magnetic desire she shared with the younger woman. Even if Kalinda told her in that moment that she never wanted to see her again, that she was disappearing and would never come back; Alicia would still want her. “The entire time I was with Will never made me feel nearly as complete and safe as one night with you did.” Alicia had never been able to explain to Will why she didn’t like cuddling after sex. He tried to make their encounters sweet when she was in particularly bad moods and she couldn’t deny loving every minute of their time together, but Will wasn’t Kalinda. His hands weren’t soft on her body, they were rough and callused from his frequent guitar playing. His lips on her skin didn’t set her on fire the way Kalinda’s did. The young woman always knew the right spot to bite, kiss, and touch without any instructions. Will had always been careful with her, afraid she would break or cry suddenly if provoked. If she did cry from either over-sensitivity or the feeling of panic in her chest, Will wasn’t always the most comforting or understanding. He loved ‘Happy Alicia’, he didn’t understanding how to deal with ‘Emotional Alicia’. Kalinda would allow her to cry if that’s what she needed. She never pressed to talk about her emotions in the moment, always allowing her to process how she was feeling before speaking what her heart was saying. Kalinda loved her, she knew that. They never had to say the words for them to be heard. Everything was just easy with Kalinda. “You always knew exactly what I needed,” she whispered, brushing the tangle mess of hair behind her ear. Her lips skimmed the skin between her brown eyes. She watched closely as the young woman tried to squirm closer to her. “Let me give you what you need.”


	4. Chapter 4

Kalinda laid her head against Alicia’s shoulder, her fingers twirling in the loose strands that had fallen against her chest and into the water. It was something she had done regularly when they were alone. Kalinda loved the feeling of Alicia’s soft brown hair between her fingers; it felt like silk. She especially enjoyed playing with the baby fine hairs on the back of her neck. They were soft like a new born kittens fur. She loved massaging Alicia’s scalp and listening to her moan in pleasure after an aggravating meeting with Colin Sweeny. The investigator got more pleasure from watching Alicia’s body relax against hers then she got from having her own body stimulated. Alicia’s little sounds reached far deeper than any physical act of intimacy could ever reach. Kalinda had always been aware and sensitive to what Alicia needed from her at any given time. She just couldn’t ask for it in return. She didn’t know how to ask for physical intimacy when she needed it. Most of the time Kalinda had no idea what she needed. What she did know is how to show what she wanted. Alicia had always been the same way. She never voiced what she needed from her, but Kalinda had always been well aware of Alicia’s body language. That’s what made them fit together like broken pieces from a mirror; the reflection wasn’t perfect but it was still beautiful. Kalinda knew if Alicia wanted to be close, the older woman would start shifting nervously in her seat. If she needed to be held, for whatever reason, she would wrap her arms around herself, her eyes would focus on the floor. She would frequently rub her hands up and down both arms slowly. Most people that passed by her office would assume the older woman was simply cold or not feeling well, but Kalinda knew. On a normal day, before the secret, the young woman would go to her, locking the office door and closing the blinds behind her. She would hold Alicia close on the small sofa, only releasing her when the older woman was ready or needed to be in court. If Alicia had a migraine, she would continuously rub the back of her neck and right temple, Kalinda usually would massage the muscles until the throbbing pain settled. Kissing the back of Alicia’s neck while unpining the tight clips that held her hair in place. The investigator had noticed over the years that the older woman’s migraines became more previlant when her hair was pinned up tight or in a pony tail. On the days when Alicia entered the office with her up, Kalinda knew she would be hiding in the woman’s office later in the day, soothing her aching head. On those special days, Kalinda wasn’t sure who got more comfort, her from simply touching Alicia, or the attorney from the non-medical pain reliever. Kalinda kissed the skin below Alicia’s ear, a spot she knew was sensative, and wasn’t disappointed when she felt the older woman tremble. “You’re giving me more than I need,” she mumbled against the older woman’s ear, feeling her shiver beneath her. In a second, Kalinda saw another memory before it was gone, but the feelings it left behind cracked her heart wide open. Feeling Alicia shake, no matter if it were from pleasure or not, caused Kalinda to remember the long three weeks in ICU. Where she almost ended up alone in a world full of pain. “I...”. Kalinda licked her cracked lips, trying to find the words to describe what she remembered. What made her feel different with the attorney. What event in their lives that had finally pushed her into wanting Alicia in her life instead of trying to avoid her all together. The moment she realized that if Alicia didn’t come back, she had no reason to stay in Chicago. She moved her fingers over Alicia’s throat, where the scar would be had the doctors not tried one more time. “I remember...” She took a few calming breaths while Alicia whispered adoring words in her ear. Kalinda decided not to look at Alicia’s face as she spoke. It was difficult enough for her to remember what happened those long days and nights, but to remember and see the woman hit deep in the pit of her gut. “I remember when the doctor told me there was a possibility of you not waking up. Even if you did wake up, they said you wouldn’t be the same,” Kalinda moaned against Alicia’s neck at the thought of Alicia being gone forever. 

Bacterial meningitis; that’s what the diagnoses was when she was admitted to the hospital after her vacation with Owen. Doctors ran every test on the Governor’s wife. Multiple vials of blood being taken from the exhausted attorney every few hours. Antibiotics were being flushed through her system as quickly as Alicia’s body could absorb it. On the first day, Kalinda sat by Alicia’s bedside, talking to her, holding her hand. She had been tired, but she was awake. The investigator had sent Peter and the children home, promising to call him if anything changed. Truth was, Alicia asked her to send them away. Grace cried most of the time she was at her mother’s side. Zach tried to be stoic like his father, but Kalinda saw the tears when Alicia wasn’t looking. She spent the first night at the older woman’s bedside comforting her when the pain was too much for her to bare, even with morphine running through her delicate veins. The fever raged on and off through the first eight hours even with the investigator keeping ice packs behind her neck and a cool cloth on her forehead. Nurse after nurse that came into the room were outraged that she was allowed to stay, berating her for doing their jobs throughout the night until Kalinda called Peter. Alicia crying in the background because yet another nurse was trying to physically force Kalinda to leave, going as far as calling security. Within the hour, all the nurses were informed to ignore the small woman sitting at the bedside. On day two, Alicia continuously complained of her head throbbing, the muscles in her neck so stiff she could hardly move, and she had a difficult time concentrating on anything Kalinda asked. She couldn’t answer a simple questions when the doctor asked how old she was. The doctor’s immediately took her for a CAT scan and spinal tap, the only time she was ever away from Alicia while she was awake. Doctor’s immediately started a corticosteroid stating that he noticed swelling in the older woman’s brain, her white cells were multiplying faster and faster as the infection grew. That night, Peter slept in the chair opposite Kalinda, Jackie staying home with the children. But every time Alicia awoke from a fevered nightmare she cried for Kalinda. Clinging to her hand until she drifted back off to sleep. She repeatedly apologized, but Peter didn’t take it personally. The investigator was always the person Alicia wanted when she was in pain and afraid because she was there to catch her when everyone else let her fall and crumble. “You were so sick,” she whispered against Alicia’s cheek. 

Alicia was unconscious by the end of day three, Kalinda holding her as she slipped in and out of consciousness. She had cried into the investigator’s chest as her vision began to blur and the confusion began. The nurses told her over and over again to get out of Alicia’s bed, but Peter put a stop to that harassment as well. His statement to the staff as the older woman began slipping into a coma was Kalinda shouldn’t be interfered with when it came to the well being and comfort of his wife. And although the young woman had been thankful for the thin veil of protection, it also made the nurses hate her more. She had the seizure on day four, the fever raging for days with no relief. Her body shaking uncontrollably as the nurses tried as quickly as they could to break open the emergency ice packs. Half frozen water soaked the bed. It was a terrifying twenty minutes, but they had been able to get Alicia temperature back down and stabilize her blood pressure. Kalinda was holding her hand, talking to her when Alicia’s heart just stopped beating later that night. Doctors didn’t waste time pushing Kalinda from the room, she voluntarily moved to the corner and thanked God Grace and Zach had already gone home for the day. The forth time they shocked her chest, the doctor wanted to stop, but Kalinda had begged them to shock her again. Alicia had died at 12:56 a.m.; she was brought back at 1:02 a.m. “For six minutes I thought you weren’t coming back. I thought you wouldn’t come back to me.” 

Kalinda touched Alicia’s face with her finger tips, tracing her bottom lip before her brown eyes met green. “I hadn’t realized how much I missed those beautiful green eyes until you couldn’t look at me.” That’s what she had missed the most; the older woman’s little glances when she thought Kalinda was looking. She had missed the way her eyes lit up when she really laughed. She missed that connection she had with Alicia; looks between them meant far more than words ever had. But that didn’t mean she didn’t miss the sound of the older woman’s voice. The sound of her laugh. “I played your voicemails over and over because I was afraid I’d forget what you sounded like. For four days I waited, wondering if you would ever wake up.” For a moment, the investigator’s eyes focused on the older woman’s lips. They were pink and soft and wet from her constant licking. She had never wanted to kiss Alicia more than she did in that moment. The only other time she considered allowing Alicia that final connection were while they were alone in the hospital bed. Kalinda shifted her body in order to hover closer to the woman’s intrigued face. “All the things I’ve been through and I’ve never been more afraid in all my life,” she whispered, her lips grazing Alicia’s wet cheek. For nine days Kalinda sat in the uncomfortable chair next to Alicia’s bed. Peter had stayed the night before the older woman slipped into a coma. He would bring the children every morning and every night for a few hours before taking them home. Kalinda had told Peter to focus on Zach and Grace; she would stay with Alicia. For eight days, Kalinda didn’t leave the hospital. She would shower in Alicia’s on suite while Peter and the children visited. She would eat lunch with Owen or Veronica, whichever decided to come that day. She ate dinner in Alicia’s room after the children had left for the night. She emailed frequently with Diane and Will, but she didn’t work for those nine days; that’s what Robin was for. Kalinda would give Alicia a bath nightly, refusing to wait for the nurses’ three day rule. Peter had volunteered in the beginning but was too afraid of hurting the unresponsive woman to move her body enough to keep her clean. She would brush her hair the best she could without moving her neck. At night she would watch the monitors, too focused and intrigued by Alicia’s heart beat to sleep. When Alicia was having a pleasant dream the left corner of her mouth would lift up and down throughout the night, she could see her eyes moving slowly against her closed eyelids. If Alicia were having a nightmare, the skin between her eyes would wrinkle as if she were overthinking a problem, then Kalinda would see the sweat developing on her forehead and upper lip. The woman lying in the bed began to clench her hand, her well manicured nails digging into Kalinda wrist, then the monitors would began alerting staff as her blood pressure began to rise. “I could see you dreaming by your heart rate,” she whispered, her fingers threading in Alicia’s hair for a moment before she allowed it to rest against her breast bone. “You had a lot of nightmares in those last four days.” Kalinda could remember waking up to the heart monitor beeping faster and faster. As the nurses hurried into the room, Kalinda had placed a hand on Alicia’s chest, gently massaging her breast bone. She whispered sweet words in her ear until she finally became stable. “I couldn’t do anything for you,” she whimpered, her hand trailing down Alicia’s neck, resting softly against her now less visible breastbone. 

Alicia carefully turned on her side, leaving her arm under Kalinda’s head and thanking God for the gentle incline of the tub, the soft cushioned pillow that she insisted on having installed when she finally bought the apartment. When she had finally filed for divorce from the man that had destroyed both their lives, Alicia changed the entire apartment. The investigator’s thigh laid carefully between her own as Kalinda rested the back of her hand against her chest while the other gently scratched a pattern along her hip. Either out of habit or by some unseen force, Alicia took her hand, pressing it harder into her chest. Allowing the investigator to feel the heartbeat that wouldn’t be beating if she hadn’t fought so hard for her to come back. If she hadn’t fought the doctors to keep trying when they wanted to give up. If she hadn’t stayed by her side, continuously talking to her, the older woman knew she wouldn’t have fought to come back. “You were the reason I came back,” she mumbled into the silence. The attorney knew her children would be taken care of, she could count of her mother and Owen being there for them while they grieved. Despite her personal relationship with Peter being long over, he had always been a wonderful father to their children. He would have been there for them, taken care of them in ways she wasn’t able to. But who would have been there for Kalinda? Who would have wiped her tears and held her while she cried? No one would have known how she felt except Owen. No one would be her shoulder to lean on while she mourned the loss of the woman she believed would never want her. Her hand tightened around Kalinda’s cold fingers. “I never found the right time to tell you. I was a coward.” Alicia could see the tension leaving the young woman’s body as she nuzzled her face into the crook of her elbow. The older woman knew the confession was only coming due to the circumstances that they found themselves in. Alicia hadn’t planned to tell Kalinda how she felt tonight. She hadn’t planned to tell the investigator what her deepest darkest desires were. And as difficult as the confession was to make, she knew it was even more difficult for the investigator to hear after everything that had happened between them over the last year. It also didn’t help that Kalinda’s body had been battered and bruised hours before by a man she was planning to kill. 

For a moment, Kalinda refused to look at her, only continued to make slow patterns on her hip with her finger tips. Tracing the unmistakable marks the razor blade left behind. Goosebumps began to develop on her skin under the soft touch of the young woman’s shy movements. The thigh between her legs was soft against her own scarred thighs as it moved slightly with the flow of the jets behind her back. Alicia wanted to see her, needed to see that sweet smile that she received even after their falling out. The shy glances she received every morning Kalinda woke up in her bed. The sweet, adoring smile she received every morning she could remember waking up in the hospital bed. “My sweet girl,” she whispered close to the investigator’s face, closer than she had planned in fear of spooking her, but as Kalinda’s eyelashes fluttered open, she gave that same sweet smile she had fallen in love with during her recovery. “You’re even more beautiful when you smile,” she mumbled. It was a sweet, bashful smile that caused her cheeks and neck to flush pink. “You called me back to you.” She remembered those first three long days of Kalinda’s constant comfort. Alicia had been constantly cold throughout her stay in the hospital bed, she had begged the young woman to crawl in bed with her, remembering briefly how naturally warm the woman’s skin was. She had held her tightly as her body quacked with chills. Alicia remembered her head on Kalinda’s bare chest, listening to her steady heartbeat as the young woman lulled her back to sleep. “You never left me. Even at my worst moments.” The investigator held her hair back as she vomited everything they tried to force down her throat. Even a sip of water caused the most violent stomach cramps she had ever experienced. Kalinda had rubbed her back for hours while she dry heaved into the small basin. Alicia leaned closer, her nose caressing Kalinda’s as a few tears fell. She remembered how much love she felt in the days and weeks after Owen and Peter had told her about the things she couldn’t remember. “Do you know what I remember?” Alicia didn’t move away as she spoke. She wanted Kalinda to not only hear her words, but feel them. There wasn’t much she could vividly remember from those long weeks in the hospital, but Kalinda’s presence was never missed. “I remember seeing your beautiful, sweet face every time I woke up. You were always smiling, so happy to see me,” she whispered, as her lips lingered over the investigator’s split one. “I could hear every time you talked to me when you thought no one was there. You told me stories at night when I couldn’t sleep. You cuddled in bed with me when I was so cold every muscle in my body ached. You sang to me when I was so confused I barely knew where we were. You apologized to my ex-husband constantly because every time I was in pain, every time I woke up afraid; I reached for you.” Alicia watched the color rise slightly in the young woman’s cheeks, the left side of her mouth curling in a gentle smile. “Peter told me, you were the one that gave me baths.” Alicia let go of the hand against her chest and gently caressed the young woman’s cheek and neck. “You put socks on my feet because you know my feet stay cold. You and Owen painted my finger nails because you know how I hate my nail polish chipped. My brother told you secrets and stories I would never want Peter to know. You told him you love me.” It was almost a whisper, as if Alicia couldn’t trust her own voice. The truth was, no one could understand the connection she and the investigator had, most of the time they didn’t even understand it. But that love, that confession and deep connection was the only thing that gave her enough mental strength to keep fighting. “I heard every word and I couldn’t respond.” Alicia felt Kalinda inhale suddenly. “Let me show you now. Let me take care of you.”

It was difficult for Kalinda to imagine what Alicia taking care of her would look like. There were a handful of moments during their friendship and developing relationship when she allowed the older woman to touch her, hold her, even see her cry in frustration on occasion. Most of the comforting was given to Alicia, not taken freely from her. She remembered the night Peter’s hooker decided to go on national television and drag Alicia, along with the children, through the mud. Slandering the sensitive lawyers name and making a name for herself while still confessing her love for a man that would never love her in return. Grace had stolen her mother’s cell phone as the interview ended and she heard Alicia began to cry in the next room, and dialed Kalinda’s number on reflex. The usual thirty minute drive it took for the investigator to reach the Florrick children only took twelve. She hadn’t knocked when she reached the newly painted green door, Grace was waiting in the doorway and fell into her arms in tears. Zach being in that awkward age between being a boy and being a man, stood helplessly against the bookcase, looking doe-eyed at the investigator as she gently rocked his sister as she sobbed. For the first few hours, Kalinda didn’t see Alicia, nor did she have time to go look for her. Even though her heart was pulling her to the woman’s bedroom, she couldn’t leave the children alone and confused; hurting due to their father’s actions. Zach didn’t say much, only coming into Grace’s room every now and then to check on his sister. Bringing her water when she began to hiccup and sob harder. When Kalinda asked, he politely retrieved a wet wash cloth so she could cool her sisters skin. She held Grace for over an hour, softly telling her the things she saw on the news weren’t true. Reminding her over and over again that her father loved her despite what was said to millions of viewers. It took over an hour for her to finally cry herself out, snoring because of the snot that had accumulated in her nose. She clung to the young woman’s shirt even while she slept, forcing the investigator to gently peel herself away. Kalinda had never seen a little girls’ heart shatter into a million pieces until that night. Listening to Grace cry and ask why was enough to force her hand when it came to publicizing what she knew about the former State’s Attorney, what terrified her was what she was prepared to do when she finally entered Alicia’s bedroom. 

Kalinda stood in the doorway for only a moment, but the picture that moment caused was burned into her mind until she could force herself to forget. Alicia was curled in the fetal position, wrapped in the soft orange Afghan the investigator had given her for her birthday just a few weeks before. She could see the hand covering her face, but the bright red ears gave away just how devastated and embarrassed she was. The room was dark except for a few candles that had been lit on the night stand. She could see Alicia’s white blouse and skirt she had worn that day on the floor by the bathroom door. The clip she had been wearing in her beautiful brown hair and the black framed glasses she only wore in her tiny office had been tossed on the chair in the corner of the room. She could barely see the half box of used tissue on the floor, at the foot of the bed. The investigator quietly closed and locked the door, taking a few minutes to take off her tennis shoes and leather jacket, leaving her in only a pair of thin black leggings and her tank top. As she crawled into the cold bed, raising the Afghan gently, Kalinda could feel the bed shaking, could hear the sobs Alicia desperately tried to muffle with the sleeve of her hoodie. She laid on her left side, slowly inching closer to the woman that was quickly heading for a severe nervous breakdown. Kalinda could see Alicia trying desperately to hide herself away, covering more of her face, tightening her other arm around herself. The younger woman wasn’t even sure Alicia knew who was in her bed, she hadn’t shown her face since Kalinda stepped into the room. “Leesh…,” she whispered inches from the woman she had been drawn to before she started at the firm. Her fingers ran gently over the ones that were held tightly over the pale woman’s face. She tried to move the fingers away, but Alicia tried to bury herself tighter into the fabric of the thick hoodie. If Kalinda hadn’t felt so much rage running through her body from the pain that was radiating off her skin, the investigator would think Alicia’s embarrassment and stubbornness was funny. Instead, it caused what was left of her heart to turn unbareably cold. The pain Alicia felt had intensified since she laid down on the bed, Kalinda could feel it inside her chest as if it were her own. “Hey now,” she whispered, trying again to coax the hands away from her face. Gently running her cool fingertips over the hot, clench knuckles. “None of that.” Kalinda moved impossibly closer, kissing the woman’s fingers as she finally allowed the investigator to see her. The tear stained face, the slightly red nose, the look of betrayal and abandonment flashing angrily in her eyes. It all hit the investigator in the chest as if a car were sitting on top of her, restricting every breath. The pain wasn’t leaving. The anger wasn’t simply going to vanish. It was something the younger woman knew they would feel for quite a while. Kalinda offered a sweetly sad smile, running her fingers along the woman’s cheek, feeling the fresh tears fall against her skin. “No more tears, my love.” Alicia opened her mouth as if wanting to explain, wanting to argue, but Kalinda brushed her fingers over the woman’s chapped lips, shaking her head. 

As the memories flashed hard and fast in front of her eyes, Kalinda slammed her eyes closed, burying her face against Alicia’s chest. The smell of her skin more familiar to her than her own. “You can feel it, can’t you?” she whispered against the older woman’s collar bone. Kalinda could remember feeling Alicia’s pain so vividly, it was difficult to tell the difference between how she felt and how the other woman was making her feel. She felt Alicia nod against the top of her head, felt the woman’s fingers drawing small patterns against her ribs. Kalinda couldn’t stop the moan that escaped her lips, even with her teeth sinking into the chapped skin of her bottom lip, the sound of her agony still echoed off the walls of the dimly lit bathroom. She didn’t want Alicia to feel the terrorizing pain that radiated throughout her body. When she arrived on her door step, Kalinda believed she wanted someone to see her pain, to feel it. She had forgotten just how deeply they could feel each other. How deeply they could feel each other’s pain when it mattered the most. The younger woman shook her head as the pain pushed her further and further into the past; further into the pain she wanted to shield Alicia from. “The last person I let take care of me, betrayed me. I trusted her with everything.”

Alicia’s hand trailed slowly down Kalinda’s hip, her fingers danced gently over her sore thigh. She could feel the investigator’s hot breath against her neck becoming faster, could feel her heart pounding as Kalinda’s wrist rest against her bare chest as she dissociated further into the past. She gently coaxed the investigator’s thigh higher on her hip as flashes of pain invaded her chest. She could feel the guilt and shame, the loss of control, the fear the betrayal caused as if she had been in the room during Kalinda’s fifteen days of hell. Alicia could hear the voices screaming in the young woman’s head, could feel the physical and psychological exhaustion they had put her though trying to understand her, only to break something inside her that was never repaired. As Alicia rolled to her back and sat up, Kalinda’s body seemed to follow like a magnet. It was beautifully fluid as they seemed to move as one. The older woman suddenly felt a hot flash of fear as the injured woman straddled her lap. Her knees dug into her hips as the investigator tried to squeeze her thighs back together. Kalinda’s nails dug into the skin along her shoulders as a few low whimpers left her lips. “You don’t have to be afraid,” she whispered, as her hands gently caressed the woman’s back. “I’m not Lana.”

Kalinda’s body tensed for a moment before she relaxed again under Alicia’s soothing touch. Hearing the FBI agents name sounded foreign and sour as they fell from the woman’s mouth. The investigator could only remember introducing them once, discussing the relationship only briefly. Kalinda didn’t enjoy telling Alicia about her intimate partners, especially after they had done what Lana had. The investigator slowly sat back on her knees, all her weight supported by Alicia’s hands on her back and strong thighs under her backside. The attorney’s face was soft, her eyes shining with fresh tears, but she still tried to smile. “How’d you know?”

Alicia didn’t make a habit of invading Kalinda’s privacy, but after she discovered Peter’s secret, she started looking for more. At first, she only wanted to know why. Why had her best friend, the woman she loved, had sex with her husband? Why did the woman choose her husband? Why the woman had lied to her for years when Alicia had already asked her, in the beginning of their relationship, if she had sex with Peter? Alicia never learned why it any of the questions she might had had floating around inside her head because it had nothing to do with anything Kalinda had decided to do. It was everything that had been done to her. Everything that had been decided for her, forced on her without her consent. In the last ten year, the young woman didn’t have time to make decisions for herself, she was too concerned and preoccupied in responding to the volatile surroundings that she didn’t have time to play defense. Everything up until the time Alicia met Kalinda had been a reaction instead of a decision. “My beautiful girl,” she whispered, briefly remembering the photos Lana had laid across her kitchen table. The same type of photos she had taken of Kalinda within the past few hours. The older woman had studied those pictures more than she ever studied any crime scene photos she had ever received. Peter had been careful not to leave deep bruises on the small woman. It was the look in her eyes that proved just how horrible and painful the assault had been. For the first time, Kalinda’s eyes had no emotion behind them. Her normally expressively wet eyes were almost black, clouded over as if she were somewhere else. Somewhere Lana couldn’t reach. “I am so sorry I never saw it before.” Alicia’s hand gently brushed the hair from her shoulders. Her fingers moved slowly along the undamaged side of her face. Tracing and connecting the few freckles that lightly decorated the skin, barely visible if you didn’t know they were there. Alicia knew the next thing she said would hurt, would embarrass Kalinda more than she wanted to, but she already knew. She knew every injury. Every scar on the young woman’s body. She knew every police report Leela had filed like the back of her hand. She knew everything Kalinda had spent so much time trying to hide. “Lana told me everything.” Alicia could see and feel a final flood gate break deep inside Kalinda’s heart as her eyes flashed with anger; more betrayal. “She didn’t want to tell me,” she whispered, remembering the many months it took to earn Agent Delaney’s trust. A few early morning coffees turned into many late night dinners, usually in places they would never be recognized. The more comfortable the agent became the more she spoke, and the more Alicia learned the more she confessed. “I feel your pain and sadness so deeply sometimes I can’t tell my emotions from yours. I wanted to know why you were hurting so badly. I know what Nick put you through for five years, I know what you did to get away from him.” Kalinda’s hand covered hers against her cheek. She could finally feel the young woman leaning into her touch, wanting it for the first time. “I know what Peter did that night. I know you changed your mind and he didn’t stop. He threatened you. You couldn’t tell anyone because of what he knew. You couldn’t go to the hospital because they would have called the police. You went to Lana because you knew she’d protect you.” Alicia’s other hand gently touched the damaged side of the beautiful woman’s face. Cradling her face as if she were holding a fragile bird. Waiting a few breaths for Kalinda’s eyes to focus on hers. The fog was still clearly enveloping the woman. The mental illness and trauma becoming too much for her battered body to fight any longer. Alicia leaned closer, her lips grazing the cut on her upper lip, kissing the light purple bruise and watching Kalinda’s eyes clear for a moment. Smiling for a few seconds as Alicia kissed the skin again. “I love you, Kalinda. I will not lose you now,” she whispered, refusing to pull away as the investigator inhaled sharply, not because she was startled, but because Alicia finally let her feel it. Alicia had finally broken down that finally barrier that had kept them apart for so long. 

Kalinda wanted more than anything to respond to Alicia’s sweet words. To tell her everything she had wanted to tell her from the beginning. She had waited over three years for the older woman to see and feel what she had known from the start of their building relationship. She loved Alicia more than she could remember loving anyone. And the closer they got in those first few years, the deeper that love had imprinted on her heart. As if she were born to love Alicia. The familiarity they had with each other was otherworldly when she thought about it for too long; it felt too right to ruin with her constant criticizing thoughts. For once in her life, Kalinda didn’t jump at a partner’s loving touch. She didn’t flinch when Alicia said her name a little too loudly. She didn’t get nauseous having Alicia’s smell lingering on her skin. Having the older woman hold her in bed while they both slept didn’t make her feel fear and loneliness; she felt loved. But loving Alicia and trusting her were two very different things. Trust didn’t come easily. Giving herself over to someone, trusting them with her body, didn’t come naturally. Kalinda rested her forehead against Alicia’s, taking a few calming breaths, considering her words before she said them. The words that made her both fearful and brave as her eyes focused on Alicia’s lips. “I’ve loved you for so long I can’t remember when it began. But it’s not that easy, Alicia.”

Kalinda had never allowed anyone the pleasure of having that much control over her physically since her years with Nick. That was one of the main reasons Donna had left and remained hostile years after. She had adored Donna in so many ways that weren’t enough to keep her from leaving, and difficult to say goodbye. Donna wanted to take care of her, wanted to protect her, wanted to show her the love she deserved, but she wanted Kalinda to tell her secrets in return. The investigator struggled for years to give Donna what she wanted, but in the end she turned to Lana for that basic sexual gratification that Donna would no longer give her. Lana didn’t ask for much in the beginning. She knew of Kalinda’s past, what she was hiding from, and refused to judge her because of it. Lana respected her space and personal limits in a way Donna never could. After three months of frequent sexual encounters, Kalinda had finally felt comfortable enough to stay overnight; making love with the lights on for the first time. The investigator had woken from a nightmare. When Lana tried to calm her, Kalinda panicked. Lana ended up with a busted lip. After that night, Kalinda refused to talk about the nightmare or stay in Lana’s apartment overnight. 

After Kalinda’s indiscretion with Peter and she was fired, she sought refuge with the FBI agent who she knew would never turn her away. For the first time in their relationship, she allowed Lana to hold her while she told her the devastatingly embarrassing details. In the days and weeks after the assault, the frequent panic attacks began, plaguing her days while night terrors tormented her in the dark. Lana held her hand as she screamed and cried for his laughter to stop echoing in her ears. She had taken the time away from work to ensure Kalinda wouldn’t be committed. After eleven days of no sleep, frequent crying spells, several flashback episodes, and one suicide attempt when Lana wasn’t looking, the young pale woman called her sister, a forensic psychologist. On arrival, Amanda immediately medicated Kalinda while Lana held her down. She slept for fourteen hours only awaking long enough for the doctor to medicate her again. Kalinda’s fingers gripped Alicia’s shoulders as she remembered the pain of the medication flowing through her veins. She could feel Alicia’s hands trailing gently up her back, could hear the soft sounds of her shushing, but she refused to open her eyes in fear of waking up back in that room. “They medicated me. Over and over again.”

Lana had informed her sister of every aspect of Kalinda’s past she could find, wanting desperately to help heal the damage Peter and Nick had done. For the first few days, the investigator refused to speak to either of the women. She ignored their presence when they entered the room, threw everything they put within her reach across the room, and screamed when Amanda tried to give her oral medication that would calm her. On the fourth day, Kalinda’s body was too mentally and physically exhausted to fight the demons in her head, so when Amanda gave her the pills again she took them and passed out. The following morning, when she awoke in panic, she allowed Lana to calm her while Amanda spoke gently from the other side of the bed. For the first time, since before she met Nick, that she felt safe. She was safe in Lana’s arms, safe to speak of the torment without fear of punishment. Leela was finally able to tell her story. 

It took an exhausting several days for Amanda to mentally and emotional understand the source and depth of the young woman’s pain. Hearing it from the victim, listening to their pain, seeing their suffering, that’s all Kalinda’s had wanted. She wanted someone to really hear her and Amanda offered herself as the silent soundboard. It was obvious Kalinda suffered from a form of PTSD; it was treating the condition that would prove to be difficult. After twelve days with Amanda constantly observing Kalinda, listening to her, watching her interactions with Lana; Kalinda had her diagnosis. “I...I have to take medications every day,” she whispered, trying to calm her breathing, finally opening her eyes and seeing the woman that had never left her side, the woman that refused to turn her away. “You...you should...think about that before you say you love me again.”

Alicia grabbed her chin, forcing the investigator’s eyes on her, waiting for the fog to clear. She kissed Kalinda’s bruised cheek. “I don’t have to think about anything,” she whispered, while watching her foggy eyes finally clear. “I’m not afraid of you. You’re not a burden to me. I love you. Whatever comes with that, we can deal with.”

Kalinda moved closer, burying her face in Alicia’s neck, feeling that same warmth of safety she had felt for a short time with Lana only ten times stronger. She had never let anyone else see that vulnerable, damaged side. Alicia saw it, and went into the dark after her. She took a few deep breaths as Alicia steadily rubbed her finally warm back. “I need to wash the crap out of my hair,” She whispered, feeling more tired and more relaxed the longer the older woman held her.


End file.
